sick.

I haven't felt good lately. I'm pretty sure I contracted some mild form of cold during my overnight shift. Good thing it wasn't pneumonia though, it was really cold and wet. My nose and throat just won't clear up, though. Its disgusting. I realized that I'm also feeling a lot sicker in a different sense lately. Just by observing people in general, namely the people who I surround myself with a lot. Bosses. Coworkers. Classmates. Friends.

Here's what I realized... EVERYBODY succumbs to their demons in some form. The guy who doesn't drink fucks a million girls. The guy who doesn't fuck a million girls sells drugs. If you think objectively about it, everybody has an indulgence that they partake in excess. No matter what. Does that mean everybody is impure? Because indulgences are nothing more than aids to enjoying life. A temporary antibiotic to cure a problem: lack of enjoyability. But, indulgences lose their meaning and force after awhile, much the same way antibiotics lose their effectiveness after building up an immunity. So my only question is this: which way do I sway? What do I indulge in? And that isn't a rhetorical question, I really AM searching for a new indulgence of some sort. I've tried the rest. But I'm looking towards something that will benefit me. I have already built up my physical fitness immunity, to the point where it doesnt feel like an indulgence anymore, but more of a duty. Piano lessons? Baseball? Photography? I've already done the girl indulgence, along with the booze indulgence. It didn't get me anything but an inflated liver, a confused head, a loss of self-respect, and some notches under my belt. I want something that I can carry with me throughout life as a memento of this time period. I want to be playing piano for my wife's family someday, and have them ask where I learned to play so well, and I want to be able to be proud to tell them how and when I learned, and why I learned. I have already messed up a lot of future storytellings. I can't tell my kids or grandkids the REAL story of the most pivotal events that shaped me as a person, and it truly saddens me to know that. I guess I just want something good to show for a lot of bad things and harsh times. Wisdom is nothing without the means to convey it. Experience is pointless without an apt audience. The kids won't be able to hear daddy's stories. I guess it just kind of bums me out that of all the older people I hang out with, all of the "interesting" people I know, few, if any are aspiring to rise above the level of a recent 17 year old high-school graduate. Who the fuck do I relate to? Where do I go? Where do I turn? I have no common ground besides my own willpower and volition. And I don't know how much more life those have in them before I succumb to my environment and break into reminiscent relapsing of old habits and traits.