i need a vacation.

id really like an extensive vacation. preferable someplace ive never been. someplace rainy so i can savor this sudden flood from inside myself. i dont think ive ever thought about myself or scrutinized myself as much as i have the last few days. i think its a good thing though, because i realized so much in me that needed to change.

i have another job interview tomorrow at 6pm for becoming a sunglass salesman in the factory store. im almost 100% confident ill get the job. 8$ an hour sucks, but it also comes with commission, and i am a great salesman, so combine that with my other job at payless shoes, and i should be ok. all of that is probably going to conflict somewhat with school, but its worth it to me, considering im not going next semester anyways, no matter how badly i want to. i need as little time to ponder myself and my life and my choices as possible, so filling my time with responsibilities has always worked for me in that regards. come january or december, ill have a car. then ill get my old job back at the bakery during the day, and keep one of the jobs for the night time. i hope my family lets me stay here. i pay rent now, but thats only on the condition that im enrolled in school. i will gladly pay more rent when i drop out, i just hope those terms are good enough. come this time next year, perhaps as early as april or march, ill be a ghost again, which is what i think would be best for me and everybody that knows me. before i leave, i owe a lot of people a lot of dinners or lunches for all the times that ive been on the receiving end with no way to reciprocate.

im a humble, proud person... so it hurts my pride and overall value when i keep on having to resort to other peoples services to get by even in the most menial regards. if i dont talk to you at all, no offense. it probably isnt you, but it might be... just know that its kind of what i have to do to be where i was again. i have a bulletproof vest as my only liquifiable asset right now, and im trying desperately to sell it so i can take care of my warrant, and part of my cell phone bill. then thats where the jobs come in for the other things, like rent and debt. then, finally, come the luxuries like a car and new clothes. its been over a year since ive actually been clothes shopping. no fun.

school is getting really intense. it seems as though every class is pushing essay material or test material in my face and i have to absorb it all within a certain amount of time and expell it upon paper. its really just a vicious cycle. i want to go to school so badly... i want to be a teacher more than i want anything in the world. i am just not willing to have nothing, not even the dignity of buying my own food or getting to school on my own while i do it. ive done a lot for myself in the past, essentially everything except for lately. i dont like it. i cant stand being back at square one when i was never even there in the first place. im lower now than i have ever been as an adult. simply because i have nothing to call my own besides some old clothes and a bulletproof vest. the rest just seems like its on loan... a lease from the powers that be. and that i have to pay it back in pride and dignity and desire and heartache.


the pen and the pad are my sanity. my sanctuary. i have written more over the last few days than i ever have in my life. always writing. and never what im supposed to be writing. sometimes, ill write an entire 10 page short story, read it once, then delete it. entertaining only for myself. nobody is deserving of reading my most profound writings nowadays, save for me.