psyche.

holiday time again.


:/


thanksgiving is never really that cool for me. highlights of my life on thanksgiving so far have been losing my first tooth on thanksgiving when i was 5 (i bit into a baseball) and getting in an argument with my mom and walking around oakland for 5 hours when i was 17. needless to say, im not a fan. the food isnt even that good. but still, this time of year has a drawing curse to it. its a quality, but a detrimental one at that. yep.. im gonna get all sappy.. spending the holidays with somebody who matters is the best thing in the world, even though ive never really had a full taste of it. granted, ive had a girlfriend in holiday times before, but that relationship was a disaster in itself. so i guess im speaking from what i consider having happy holidays with a loved one, and i can only derive that from what i see. maybe it doesnt exist. maybe couples hate the holidays. the commercials and TV shows and movies could have fooled me.

in my house, theres always a family fight on every major holiday. this year, thanksgiving is at my house. that means that theres going to be awkward tension at the table, then after dinner, my sister is going to go off with her boyfriend, my brother with his girlfriend, leaving me with a bunch of old, grumpy, drunk people. sounds awesome. theyll be fighting and arguing and being dramatic over probably nothing, as per usual.

i realized that im jealous of my little sister's relationship, awkwardly enough. its going too well. ive never been good at relationships. at all. so to see my little sister have everything that i want at such a young age without any failed attempts makes me envious. i know its immature of me. what sucks is that hes such a good dude to her, but i cant bring myself to accept him. because he is everything that i am not. hes a good kid. he doesnt have any problems. he isnt crazy. he isnt weird. my only aspiration is to be like him. but i dont admire him. riding my bike miles to deliver my girlfriend food. then eating it with her. giving my girlfriends little brother a ride home from school. giving her family tons of free bread from my job. taking her out on dates. some of my past female encounters who may or may not read this will probably doubt that til the very end, but thats because i never really gave them a chance to know me and see it. sucks. but at the time they knew me, i gave nobody a chance. nobody knew me. even now, very few people know me. but thats the god honest truth, past all my sarcasm and wit and assholeness and toughness. once you get past my skin, my core is soft and warm. i never knew why, but i always find it easier to be me over the internet. in person, unless you already KNOW me, you will never get ME. youll get what i pass off as me. as i said a long time ago on here in a booze fueled rant... i wear lots of masks. and i switch them out all the time. but... im learning to let all that go. all the guilt and wear and tear of the things ive done in my life and the things ive done to other people is just now setting in, now that ive given myself a chance to FEEL. and you know what? ive found that once you accept how shitty of a person you are and how amazing of a person you are, life becomes easier. everything becomes clearer. you become literally a stronger person because of it. the past month or so has been insane for me, in regards to self-assessment. i literally took the most ridiculous 180 degree turn for the best. and you know what? its safe to say that i am PROUD of myself. for the first time in almost two years. i went from being an alcoholic 20 year old kid who literally did nothing else but wallow in his own heartache, depression, and negative experiences and who was NEVER happy to being who i am right now. who am i right now? i am a 20 year old mentally aware american citizen. i believe in a well-rounded diet. i dont condone the abuse of alcohol or narcotics. i work two jobs anywhere between 40-50 hours a week. i work out four to six days a week. i run a mile a day. i dont have promiscuous sex. i dont feel like i NEED the opposite sex in my life. i am working on a very healthy relationship with my family, instead of never being home and always arguing. i indulge in occasional cannabis consumption. i listen to coldplay everyday. i dont drink. i dont indulge in hallucinogens. i do my best to excel in my studies. i smile. i converse with others. i am a way more open person. i am a MAN. i think i walk taller, even. this is real me right now. those who know me know that i would never SAY these things. with me only procuring my ugly exterior shell of cynical jade, nobody will ever see the good that is beneath. i realize this. that phase of reformation is coming next.


p.s. this isnt me sounding like a conceited dick. but it is.