scars.

n: a permanent signifying mark on the surface of the skin caused by intense physical trauma without proper care. often raised or discolored in texture and appearance.


today, a girl I didn't know and had never formally met asked me about a specific scar on the top of my left hand. the scar is circular and about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. upon getting asked, I told her that I "didn't want to talk about it", although I wasn't mad at her for being curious. most people don't realize it even exists, including myself. which is for the better. but when I get asked, I am morphed back to a time and place I choose to never voluntarily go. I'm a different person. I think about everything leading up to the scar.. and in doing so, I find myself holding my palms out upside down examining each and every scar on my hands... retelling the story behind each one to myself. as if to remind myself of something I only wish to forget. then I turn into a stone cold person. because none of them are from falling off bikes or accidentally cutting yourself while chopping onions. they're all self-inflicted via inverse actions. when I do this, I hate myself. for the person I was. for the things I did. for the shit I saw. for the pain I felt. for feeling the pain of people no longer in my life. physical, emotional pain that starts at the heart and works its way outward until I swear the scar turns back into a bleeding open wound.




this is by far the most emotionally driven blog I have ever written. right now, I am lying on my bed at home. sobbing. for what I was. for what I am. for things I've done. for remorse and guilt and pain felt years too late. for everything that I've been through... thrown into the real world way too young way too prematurely. experiencing the side of life few know and nobody likes to talk about. the dark side. the other side of the tracks. the scourge that gets brushed into a dustpan then cast aside in a trash can. this is the first time I've cried in years. the tears must be stagnant in their ducts. I hate that from this point until I forget again, I am stone cold. raw. faceless. thoughtless.