wolf in sheeps clothing.

i dont know how much longer i can keep up this charade. i trade my beat up sneakers for tap dance shoes when im around you. my holey, faded t-shirts turn into collared white dress shirts complete with a cumber bund and bowtie when im around you. my unrefined thoughts and corrupted head revert back to innocence and purity. i just want to drive all night with the window down listening to music of a better time and place. want to eat ice cream. drink lemonade. see a play... an opera. have fancy dinners in fancy places wearing fancy things. you make me want to be a better person, i guess i could say. but the clear vision of it is this: i will never have fancy dinners. dress shirts. nice cars. nice things. a nice girl. ill never be able to go to plays or operas or symphonies. never any brisk weekends on yachts on obscure lakes with crisp air or cool breezes. i can only offer anybody or anything myself. and its getting harder and harder to find which form of myself is actually me. hood rat or intellectual. rise above or sink below. submission or patriotism. i am only ever TRULY myself in this blogspot. because i dont talk to anybody about anything concrete. i dumb myself down to the world around the few people that i do associate. and so every once in awhile, i sit on a computer and just sit down and start writing. not trying to go anywhere. not trying to get a message out. not trying to accomplish anything..... just so i can talk to somebody. even if they are incapable of talking back. its not so much the last sane thoughts of a crazy man as it is the last ounce of true sanity the world even possesses. social nicety and mannerisms defeat true unbridled logic from emerging in everyday life. so i made this part of my everyday life. so i can get my dose of sanity everyday before i hit the block for my hustle, false senses of security, and bottle. i should be at harvard. yale. stanford. i should be above this...SHIT that is my life. im not sinking beneath the bullshit, im just fighting for air so hard that im merely staying level. not much air left, muscles weak. life has taken its toll on me. death almost a welcoming relief. ive lived too much of the other side of life... you know... the side nobody likes to talk about. i am that dark cloud in a blue sky. that unpleasant reminder that just because you see a blue sky now, tomorrow there could be squalls. not even enough fight in me to produce a lightning bolt.

clawed my way through life. the dirt under my fingernails is a telltale reminder of the shit ive seen and crawled through. the scars too painful to even talk about.. still open wounds. nothing will ever soothe them. so while you go on living your life, driving your car, wearing nice clothes, going to school, dating people deserving of modeling contracts, ill be down in the cesspool. thinking of you with a smile on my face... wishing it could have been me.





"so lets sit back... and watch it fall apart again"