I've found out inadvertantly through my own actions and reactions that I am progressively becoming more and more of an asshole with everyday. I guess nothing just seems the same as it used to.. not even me. the little things and nuances that I always found joy and comfort in have been replaced by a habit. a bad habit. tonight was 2 of my good/best friends' birthdays, and I found myself not being able to hang out with either of them because they were drinking. and I didn't want to be around all that tonight. and I don't want to be around all that anymore. I guess if they're truly my friends and not just drinking buddies (which I know they are), they'll appreciate the choices I am making to further my advancement in life and as a person so I don't continue being a log floating down a river... hitting every rock and waterfall on the way down. I just really want to go back to the way it was... where I ALWAYS felt like I was on top of the world. where I could still get wild alongside my friends... only that I was the only sober one. I really just want it to be 2006 again.. every night was mels coffee night with justin... followed by a movie and intuitive conversation and advice.
I feel like less of a person since I've moved back home. I'm so pathetic overall that its ridiculous. I have no job. I am not currently attending school. I can't afford to do anything fun. can't buy anything nice for myself. even food... I can't even afford top ramen right now if I wanted it. I don't want to get married. I don't want a kid. I don't want a career right now... I just really want to go out on my OWN again and do my own thing. I liked not having any means of support other than myself. no second chances when you're 1000 miles away. you play for keeps. but I lost the game. I got bought then kept. where I continue to be kept. at the bottom of the glass... then floating at the top. simultaneously at the same time. I can't really explain it... but I don't feel like I am the same person who once had so much. eh. oh well.
on a much lighter note... I'm almost positive I sprained my ankle on my severely drunken adventure 2 nights ago. it hurts really bad essentially everytime I even do anything with it like move it. I am in a world of pain, I guess you could say.
my vow of celibacy is working out pretty well so far. woo. weird how you look at girls differently when you give up having sex. I guess that just further confirms that men are, in fact animals and pigs and that its only in their nature. not really a good excuse but the truth nonetheless. lets see how long this whole priest celibate thing lasts... I promise to keep the details and results posted. I'm also thinking about going sober again... although that's a wild bridge to cross. I don't commit to something I know I can go through with and even celibacy is iffy in my mind. but ill just keep on keepin on the whole sober front of the war and ill keep you posted on that too.
I saw the dark knight today... and let me tell you this... easily one of the top 3 best movies I've ever seen in theatres... easily in my top 10 of favorite movies of all time... maybe even my top 5. heath ledgers performance as the joker is so good its chilling. gave me the goosebumps time and time again. the overall epicness of the entire movie with its different storylines and plots and all around amazing acting came together in just the right way like a symphony and my ears and eyes and mind were applauding. I couldn't even say anything after the movie ended for a good hour or two except for "holy fuck.... that movie was fucking amazing."
literally. if you haven't, you NEED to see it. it'll make you cry... not because its sad... but just because its such a masterpiece.
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