god damn...

I am a skinny motherfucker.





you'd think with my horrendous diet (fast food or ramen 4/5 times a day), the lack of exercise in my life, and the copious amounts of beer I consume, I would definitely be bigger... but since march, I've progressively gotten skinnier and skinnier... I honestly don't get it.




rethinking, I've come to the conclusion that all the materialism and conformism that I've been combating since day one may not be conformism at all... maybe some things are held in such high regard (cars, jobs, money, things) because they actually do serve a purpose in concrete real life, instead of in this false realm of robotism where people senselessly follow each other in circles. a car matters to me right now... and the lack of a car matters to me even more... I need to not have to rely on other people to get to school. I need to not have to rely on the questionable reliability of the vacaville city coach to get to work. I need to not rely on the fact that one of my friends has the day off AND is willing to take the time to drive me somewhere. I need a car. sucks. but its the truth. sucks that ill be a slave to petroleum... to insurance.. to credit scores and cosigners and payments. too bad I realized all this way too late. my credit is fucked. for life. I can't even get a bank account for 7 years because I am blacklisted from all banks. forget about a loan. forget about insurance. I'd never get approved for any of those. it sucks having to carry cash on you everywhere. buy everything in cash. get paid in cash. pay other people cash to pay the bills. neverending cycle. back on the materialism front, I need more/new clothes. and more/new things.