march twenty first.

I'm so alone that I don't even have anybody to miss.


I keep finding myself wanting to kiss an invisible cheek when I'm watching a movie alone. I keep seeing myself driving late at night with what turns out to be only a dream. When I'm walking on a cold, windy day, my hands subconsciously search for smaller companions to warm them.

My days of needing any of these things are long gone.


But I want them.

Its weird when none of the love songs come with faces or names to pin them on anymore. I'm just sitting in stagnance. Not waiting for anybody to rescue me... just wanting the current to speed up and the water to clear.

I want the teenage budding love I never had. And that everybody else has had. I've never loved anybody. I came close once. But it pushed me back and I didn't fight it. I have told more than 2 people in my life that I loved them, when romantically involved... and now, none of them are even on a friendly communicative basis with me. Photographs in a scrapbook. Faces with labels to remind me of their names. They didn't matter. Nuisances that convoluted my brain and poisoned my blood stream until my heart was pumping pure poison to my brain. And back and forth. And back and forth.

I'm not searching for it. I don't want it. But its always nice to speculate about what could possibly be, given the right circumstances. I like being alone. And by alone, I mean alone. I am a solitary person. I put on many masks when I'm around people, but they're just paper mache layers that I lay and peel with the necessity of the moment. Its sad to say you will never know me.


I just want one person... besides my best friend... to know me. But that's not the way it works.