naive.

i guess its wrong to want something concrete and stable with somebody else. i guess that society's diluted moral standards hold nothing sacred anymore. all i want is a somebody. i need a SOMEBODY. a somebody who jumps off the page and grabs my attention and keeps it there. somebody i cant figure out. somebody who keeps me guessing. i get lazy and like to stand on the balls of my feet instead of on my tippy toes. i need someone who will keep me on my toes. the edge of my seat. somebody i can converse with as an adult. somebody whom i can talk about adult things with and still maintain interest without talking about menial senseless petty temporary things. i dont want anything out of anybody except to see their genuine real side. once somebody lets you see the REAL them, thats a bigger bond of trust than any words can cover. I know i dont let anybody know me, as im sure you do. I can count the number of people who have known past versions of me on one hand. and of them, only one still knows me. justin stewart. the person you see in my previous post. other than him, nobody knows the real me. i want to be able to fall into a comfort zone with more than one person. heres an ideal IDEAL night with a SOMEBODY that i cherish with all my heart: dinner (i get to cook), a few glasses of wine (if she drinks), an awesome movie or two, falling asleep in bed. honestly. i put on this facade of being somebody who is all about the cheap things in life, but thats usually just so i can level down to most people so i dont just sit at home all day and night with no friends. if i found a girl i was all about and she couldnt have sex or didnt want to or whatever, I WOULDNT CARE. peace of mind and presence of two connected hearts are the only two things that matter. somebody who can accept the negatives in me and the positives as well with a grain of salt. here it goes ill even give the world a head start in me: i take school seriously. i like video games. i dont eat healthy. my feet stink. i have what some people call a "drinking problem" but i dont agree with that, i dont have a job or a car, im good with words, im an amazing cook, im good at baseball, i like to think of myself as a good drummer, i eat NONSTOP and dont gain any weight and sometimes even lose weight, ive been through lots of intense bullshit in my life, i like movies and music a LOT. thats as big a start as youre going to get. i feel totally insanely dumb for even typing this. especially on the fucking internet. but im tired of the same old people. the same old girls with the same idiot small talk about how adorable or pwecious or liddo or amazing something is. theyre all starting to turn into mindless droning clones of one another. gimme a pretty face with a mind and im set. the rest is all just icing on the cake. see, the world is used to seeing me write about my recognition that i am sinking beneath the tarry filth... this is a change of pace, this is me jumping up from the tar for air screaming to be rescued. im tired of settling and cheapening myself and my standards. if youre out there and you read this, please.




please. give me something to believe in.