oh sleeping stars... why do you look so sad tonight?

pick it up.

16 minute journey.

over norse buttresses, through vast knolling fields green with envy. through the valley of the sacred. into the well of the doomed. beneath the great sulfur mines of gurtudo. the black sacrilege crest of ra is found.



hold the grail to saurons sky and beg forgiveness to an unmerciful master. the ground shakes. the earth peals loudly into a chasm. ten thousand legionnaires are exhumed from an earthy grave. ten thousand sets of eyes focus on a relic that doubles as a key. ten thousand screams spank the air into ten thousand pieces. the chamber murmurs a bubbling, boiling, growl. pressure rises. humidity languid with the breath of the dead. victory alive on the warrior's lips. dancing. the taste of blood meshing the internal gears at full speed. melee. the spoils of the dead are draped over every rock and blackened stump. an entranced smile creeps along his face. his eyes are reflected off the relic of ra burning a cross in his hand.


victory.

entranced.

addicted.

english 1P

everyday in english, i find new things in people that amaze me. we had to do peer reviews for our outlines today, and i was stuck reviewing a girls paper whose title was "Euthanasia". now, this assignment is a position paper, where you have to state an argument, along with possible rebuttals to your argument. i looked at the title and expected it to be the typical mindless drivel about humanity. i start reading it, and i realize that she is actually arguing FOR euthanasia. not what i expected. after reading it, i talked with her about it and tried to get inside her head. i wrote my review in a total joking manner (i was drunk) and wrote it as if she wrote a position paper about "youth IN asia", instead of euthanasia. she fell for it, of course and thought i was serious and tried to explain to me what euthanization is. i listened intently like a 5 year old holding his moms hand. then i asked her if euthanizing animals is humane. she says no. i ask why she thinks euthanizing people is humane, she says "because when theyre vegetables, they have no reason to live. they just want to die and LIVE in a better place." (she actually said LIVE in a better place.)

why is pulling the plug right or wrong? when we're "braindead", are we REALLY braindead? as humans, i guess we would be, considering the traits that make us human (critical thinking, rationale, problem solving) dont exist anymore. but we're not "braindead", we're just not human. we're animals. the instinct is still there. the needs are still there. just not the means to utilize them. so, my point is.. if "humane" euthanasia is acceptable to do to people, why isnt it acceptable to animals? thats what we become: animals. so its the same as euthanizing animals.

how can this girl know what "braindead" people are "thinking"? does she know they only want to die? touchy subject, but the outlandish stance this girl had was too far off the wall to not share. she wasnt just "pro-choice" about euthanasia, she was IN FAVOR of euthanasia.

the stances people take on controversial topics look really stupid when you step out of the objective and interpret everything in the third person. theres rarely logic... just a stance thats firmly set in stone.

english is a great class, lots of interesting people.

i am 20 years old now.

and i still watch cartoons.

lately:

Equilibrium- Sagas
Slayer- Reign In Blood
Ben Folds- The Unauthorized Biography..
Animosity- Empires
The Brian Setzer Orchestra- The Dirty Boogie
Municipal Waste- Hazardous Mutation
Cartel- Chroma
T.I.- King
Wintersun- Wintersun
Bright Eyes- I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
Coldplay- X&Y
All Shall Perish- Hate. Malice. Revenge.
Ryan Adams- Rock N Roll

do yourself a favor...

pick this up...

the nails keep piling on

i got my ticket in the mail today. for not wearing a fucking seatbelt of all things. october 6th. i lost my summons already this weekend, and since i dont have the money, it looks like im not going to court or paying my fine. i dont know what that means, but it probably isnt something cool where i get free candy or anything like that. my phone got suspended, and i guess in tmobileland, that means they get to take all my numbers, pictures, notes, and music off my sim card. real cool, tmobile. real mature. its up to 155$ right now. im up to 63 cents to my name. im getting there...


ive been thinking a lot lately about becoming a jay or a silent bob. i already dont have much, might as well demean myself as a person by thinking its cool. not having a cell phone is liberating, i actually am pretty into the idea of not having one, unfortunately for me, phone companies have your balls in a vice grip what with contracts and cancellation fees and credit and whatnot, so i guess that makes my luxury a necessity? society has a good way of doing that. gasoline. cars. phones. money.

fucking red tape.

blue skies and squalls.

i didnt know it was possible to experience the calm during the storm.

ill sub the depth for the shallow

i havent had my acne medication in like 3 weeks and my face isnt even that bad.


i feel myself getting skinnier even though i eat and drink more?


i need new clothes


i want to finish my left arm (i need a new artist)


my birthday is in 5 days. i want nice things from nice people.


i really want a ham sandwich.

quandaries.

im sure that i cant be the only person who wonders why good people invest their time and heart into people who obviously dont deserve it. but i might be the only one disgusted enough with seeing this everywhere to write about it and question why. is it just masochism? do you like being continuously hurt and taken advantage for? do you like feeling dumb? naive? gullible? im not a very nice person.. but what i AM is a good person. i might be mean to people, but you will never catch me cheat on a girl or steal from a person or doing anything unethical with the caliber of those. maybe im the naive one? because, sadly, nobody seems to be on the same page as me. everybody gets walked all over and nobody does anything about it. AND they keep coming back for more. i talk to people on both ends of the spectrum at least once a day. people who get their kicks treating the opposite sex as a possession, and people who are the possessed. and honestly, i dont know whos worse. it sickens me to see people devote their everything to one specific person then see that person stomp on the others feelings in the gutter. sick.




society is a shitheapt. everybody thinks theyre at the top when theyre really below the bottom.


rock bottom delusions.

hate. malice. revenge.

smirk
smirk
smirk
smirk
smirk
smirk
smirk






i am the catalyst to your dismemberment and disconnect.







smirk
smirk
smirk.

homework.

writing prompt:

Wikipedia. Your thoughts.

First, I would like to know what you think. Good? Bad? Do you use often? Do you avoid it? Do you trust it? Is it good that "we" create it? Is it bad that “we” create it? Can unnamed authors and editors be credible? Post your answer in your journal.

Second, find an entry related to the upcoming presidential election (it can be anything: candidates, Electoral College, voting fraud, conventions, debates, as long as it is related.) Post the url to the site in your journal. Tell me something you did not know about the topic that you learned from the entry.

Third, use Google to find a credible site on the web dealing with the same topic. Post the url to your journal. What makes the source credible?

Finally, tell me which one you like better. Why?

You should be able to complete this in three to four paragraphs. English 01 standards hold here, well written entries only.

my response:

wikipedia is a phenomenal idea. I love the fact that anybody can edit a certain page about a specific topic because it always keeps you guessing whats right or wrong! its refreshing!!! it is such an excitement to wonder if your doctorates thesis is actually based on credible information. in all honesty and seriousness, wikipedia is great for quick information, although it is more than plausible to obtain false information iterated by an unreliable source. i have taken the chance to use wikipedia as a source before in prior essays or arguments, and it has never let me down. I guess its really a matter of gullibility in the reader. I read once that "steve-o" (you know... the idiot from that suitably titled tv show/movie) was dead. then, i saw him like a week later on some dumb interview. it made me wonder if he had a stunt double. but even more than that, it made me wonder how old and pre-recorded the interview was, considering i was fed lies that my entire life's idol was dead. but in even more honesty, and seriousness, wikipedia is a horrendous idea. burn it to the ground. how irresponsible is it of us to lead poor young minds on with such volitile information as the great "steve-o's" death. Thats the kind of harsh reality that causes addiction. Im sure it was all a marketing ploy by steve-os agent to get people to watch his show with his froggy voice. wikipedia serves no explicitly reliable good to the world, besides the convenience of finding information. although, looking up actors and movies to find out origins and past roles is more convenient in my opinion than on imdb.com.

in response to the second prompted question of this assignment, i have here a wikipedia article that is the pinnacle of political success ; a list of the governers from the great, independent, self-sustaining state of alaska. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Governors_of_Alaska. notice how not one of those names on the list is important in any way at all.the guys who were governor from 1945 til about 1985 had it the worst, every once in awhile they actually had to glance west in the direction of Russia to make sure there werent and red armies coming across the icy abyss that is the unwanted bering sea. that affects the current election in the regards that sarah palin, being the wonderfully experienced potential vice president that she is, hails from a state that has offered nothing but gold rushes since the 1890s. she has had no trials or tribulations as governor besides the occasional commercial about polar bears, which is really only on air to remind us that Alaska DOES, in fact, exist. The only REAL annoyance shes had in office is slapping oil drilling activists away out of her hair. It just seems to me as if John McCain is advertising himself to a certain demograph of people, women of course. I think its a gimmick and unoriginal and only used because logically and ideally, he cant compete with Barack Obama as an intellectual leader, so McCain turns to Obama's skin tone and sees it as an adaptable clever marketing technique. if you want my honest opinion, neither candidate is suitable enough for me to make an outright decision on, so im going to trust myself to not vote and leave the election to the people who it really matters to, the people who need a beacon of hope and promise in this world. it is my personal volition to never vote in an election until somebody who has experienced the ugly side of life runs for office. why would i trust my future and the nations future to one or the other trust fund baby when they are the epitome of everything i hate?

as far as non objective opinions, wikipedia is not reliable, as it always written by a source that is partisan in one form or another. I believe that a person can only form a logical factual opinion through the culmination of events through multiple sources and types of media. since this is a journal entry, i am not following certain formats too well. but journals tend to be more freeform, so im doing what i can with the pen and the canvas. if you get bored in the library, you can check out my blog at ryanxalves.blogspot.com. i write what i feel in there too, and im sure you can look down on my punitive 19 year old existence from a disdainful height adequately on there.


its been a pleasure, erin..

RYAN.


















drunk homework rules.

defunct,

it brings a secret, severely satisfactory smile to my blatant face knowing that i make you feel what i feel. i am a black widow. i am a sturgeon. i am loch ness. i will nothing for you except bring you down to my level. i am kurt dussander. my demons are awakened and then stirred in a cauldron until i decide to serve them to innocents. the gleam in my eyes is perverted. my face is wrinkled. the pupils burn a pedophilic red right through you. the icy frosted blue turns you to stone. i see the coals that cook the soul of all of you. and i smile a teachers lecturing smile knowing that one more remnant of a person just fell of a cliff. and that i pushed them. i am a murderer. a slaughtery of everything pure. i would be a cannibal, save the fact that i dont have a soul or a heart in which to use to cannibalize other hearts and souls. even the most abyssic of people. vicious. calculating.


it seems like my weekend has gone by very fast, but in all honesty... thats only because i have been steadily in the middle of the drunk spectrum since 11am friday. i am on the high end of that spectrum now. does it cheapen my words to know they are merely the silent confessions of an old drunk? im not very well liked by many people... ive come to terms with it. i sincerely dont care. my deep dark damp thoughts that enter my brain yet have no exit find their home on this canvas.


i dont think anybody will ever TRULY know me.


im going to disappear in a few weeks/months and not resurface til im done writing.












masturbatory. all of it.

attorney at guilt

i dont really remember writing the last post. i saw some things that changed me as a person tonight. literal things and abstract thoughts that were really just an abbhoration of things. i wish i had more to say, and since i have a lot i want to say, i wish i could find some means of conveyance to relate to the rest of the world, the part whose best friend isnt a pen and a pad. i guess this is my silent confessional turned public. its almost masturbatory... a public exhibition of privacy. maybe that makes me an exhibitionist.. maybe it makes you all sick fucks for reading this and figuratively watch me masturbate in torment. this whole process REALLY is masturbatory, the more i reflect on it. i guess its some sort of exonerance of toxins. but instead of toxins, im unscrewing the cap on a jar full of demons, and letting them squeak out, one by one. even right now, i dont know why im writing. all i know this that when words expunge into actual existence, i am put at ease. all that is wrong in the world is immediately morphed into right. this website is the closet for all of my skeletons. they resurface from the ground and it is my job to lock them away again, until they feel like gnawing at my mind some more. the gnawing aches. it makes my head feel like the thin outer shell of a maraca. right now, it is 2:02am. i am sitting here, in an apartment in vacaville, california in a humble green recliner. the chair isnt reclined backwards with its leg stand jutted out at a jaunty angle. Its upright, as if its too scared to break some force of nonexistant tension that the chair creates for itself. i dont belong in this humble chair. my thoughts are not humble.. they are not pure. my thoughts arent a quiet faded green, theyre a hot fiery orange. so why am i sitting here? jakes passed out on the futon. hes not drunk. i am very drunk. i have been drinking steadily since before jazz ensemble. im wearing clothes that dont suit me and talking to people that dont matter to me. i simply am. you have to fill in the blanks on the rest of me, but thats how i look at myself. i dont feel myself drifting off into haunting dreams and cold sweat anytime soon on this night. its chilly... theres a cool fan blowing on full blast on the windowbox. a remnant habit of the summer... the dial will be neglected until probably november. everything is perfect in this apartment in its moment right now. outside, the world is a chaotic sanctuary for ignorant hollow hope. i havent shaved in two days. i didnt shower today.. i woke up too late. i ran out of acne medication. basically, what im saying... is that theres no point in caring about appearance because the world isnt a place stock full of depth, and im not good looking anyways so this just gives me more reason to not care. i have a job interview at macys on thursday. i wish i could let just one person know me... but the truth is, when i start to let that happen, i get carried away and tell too much too quick. and i catch myself for it. and i realize that im not gettin the same in return. and i put two and two together and i mentally bail on the situation, even though i know i shouldnt. 2:19 am now. im thirsty again. every girl that ive ever thought worthy of dating/liking/loving/marrying, i really wish id never met. its just more evidence of the perfection i will never achieve and evidence of the mediocrity that total pieces of shit possess as material objects. i will make somebody happy someday... but it probably ideally wont be who i want it to be. im so fed up right now, that honestly all i want is a really smart really cool butt ugly girl. at least she can level with me. i guess its my fault for being so complex and weird. curious. girls are the bane of my existance. i think about them too much and theyre never any good to me, in turn causing me to be no good to anybody or anything. i am a selfish, selfish individual... the relentless alchohol indulgence speaks of this on its own. jake is snoring on the couch. i hate every good looking male everywhere. i hate what they possess in other people and willingly choose to throw away, even though i would give anything to have an inkling of what lies in their hands. i gotta get off this girl subject, its killing me. torments. plagues. trials. i speak softly. maybe thats my difference. maybe i can only level with adults, even though i am an irresponsible adult in myself. i need money, a dog, a car, a computer, and an apartment. so i can have enough distractions to never think about anybody. you all make me sick.. but god dammit... there are a few of you i just want to know as PEOPLE.. not as facades. take your mask off when you talk to me, my xray vision is getting tired of being used.

n

it stared me down. appraising my worth with a slightly parabolic eye. i stared back. right through it. first I made it lower case, then i made it nonexistant. i was staring at the blank text behind the n. it was a word to some, a modifier from english to spanish for many, but it was a menace to me. i hated that n. my eyes burned a hole in its icy heart til it was only an abyss filled with the shadow of frost. it didnt go away. it stood there.. mocking me.

Dear Boat,

I'm very excited to finally obtain the opportunity to write you this letter. Its been 19 years going on 20 that ive been learning the means and ways to muster up the vocabulary and defeat the arthritis that has since settled in my fingers. It is a terrible pain, Boat, so it gives you great recognition of the willpower I must have to continue with this note. this plea. See, Boat... we're not so unlike, you and I. On the great ocean, we are both alone. We both know the trials and tribulations the other has to overcome. The waves, the wind, the tides, the gulls. Im sure we've seen our share of maelstroms and flat waters are actually blue stained elegant mirrors. We are both literred with the remnants of trial. scratches. barnacles. Im here waiting for you, boat. I know you've been searching for me, too... but just didn't know where to look. I have nothing to offer you. I can't even mutter reassuring words in the dark to let you know that there is, in fact, at least a little light in this world. I can't embrace you like you can embrace me. With your enveloping arms of rope. I can secure you. Tie that rope to me. I can be your anchor. I only want to be your anchor. and you mine.


Sincerely,
Island

window shoppers.

goodbye.. thanks for stopping by.

choices.

#3

It was her eyes that gave her away. Her eyes didnt so much look at me or see me as they did morph me. to me, i was me. to her, i was who she wanted me to be. If the eyes didnt tell her secrets, the frowning smile picked up the slack where the eyes left off. Those eyes.. if they weren't staring at my shoes, they were searing through the wall behind me, trying to envision the setting also as wherever she wanted it to be. transcendental psychosoma, i guess you could say. whatever it was, i recognized it. i didnt so much stare back, as i did beckon. my eyes pleaded. they were being ignored. i realized right then and there in this one instant of humanity, that she didnt know me at all. that all the words and allusory nuances that escaped from her mouth were just red tape she hoped id become entwined in. i was a dolphin. caught in a tuna dragnet woven by red, sticky words. what an excellent angler this one was. i was hooked. her dark, smooth hands were almost invisible grasping the tanned leather steering wheel. the grasp was not tense, but rather expectant. anticipating what she already predicted. the rain is a snare drum on the roof, firing off upbeat rudiments and double paradiddle rolls. there is only the thick silence in the front seat, periodically cut short by jabs of hot breath. she looks up from my shoes. her eyes look TO me, for once, instead of through me. she makes her move. vicious. the eyes scour my soul for good things in which to defile. i feel what is one of the last remnants of my innocence being prepared for a hanging. i cant even see out the windows now. the clarity in my head that once reflected on the windows has disappeared, leaving a vague cloud in its place instead. this vague cloud also was reflected in my head. the air is cold and damp. i look around and understand her empty gaze towards an inanimate wall, if i were her, id project myself to another setting too. i felt lucky to have been given this sacred bond of trust. i was nothing to her, she was something to me.

dont stand so close to me.

i just want to push everybody away.


accept me for what i am, part of the background for everybodys life.

applying for jobs

is tedious

bastard set of dreams.

something happened last night... i was in denver.. walking from where i used to stay off oak and west colfax. walking past the single level buildings that house dead ambition and decay. there were a lot of cracks and potholes in the road, telling me that the road was well treaded in its past. I wasnt walking on the sidewalk with the rest of the empty, addicted faces that passed me. I was walking, strolling in the street. along with everybody that drove. it was hot, and around 6pm.. starting to get dark. I didnt have a care in the world that i had to walk all the way downtown. It felt almost like i was strolling through a very green and lush park in my own spare time on my own day off, for no reason. I got to colfax and a man had a drum set set up in his garage. i hadnt heard or played the drums in years, i walked up his driveway next to a big white cat and i stood and watched him play for a few minutes. he wasnt that good. i smiled, said "thank you", pet the kitty, and left down the driveway. a few minutes later down more towards wadsworth, another man hands me a pair of 2B vic firths, and i start drumming my thighs as i walk. the smile on my face is still expectant as i turned the corner from colfax onto 13th. i look down and i see what i thought was the pale green stain that is connotated with money. "nobody just leaves money on the ground", i tell myself... and i keep walking. i see it again. i bend down. folded into a half stack are various 1s and 5s. i walk further toward home and find more stacks, the bills getting bigger on the way til all i find is a stack of 50s on my apartment porch. i hear a demonic, cynical laugh from behind the white ash that is my front door. i pause. wondering how this cheap canadian export of a door is holding such a thing behind it. i turn and walk away, towards the cheesecake factory. i treat myself to a nice dinner alone. i order a scintillating white wine with snipping crimson accents in the nostils. i smile a big hearty smile. i never laugh.



i woke up a very rich man this morning.

my fingers.

type in psychosoma.

naive.

i guess its wrong to want something concrete and stable with somebody else. i guess that society's diluted moral standards hold nothing sacred anymore. all i want is a somebody. i need a SOMEBODY. a somebody who jumps off the page and grabs my attention and keeps it there. somebody i cant figure out. somebody who keeps me guessing. i get lazy and like to stand on the balls of my feet instead of on my tippy toes. i need someone who will keep me on my toes. the edge of my seat. somebody i can converse with as an adult. somebody whom i can talk about adult things with and still maintain interest without talking about menial senseless petty temporary things. i dont want anything out of anybody except to see their genuine real side. once somebody lets you see the REAL them, thats a bigger bond of trust than any words can cover. I know i dont let anybody know me, as im sure you do. I can count the number of people who have known past versions of me on one hand. and of them, only one still knows me. justin stewart. the person you see in my previous post. other than him, nobody knows the real me. i want to be able to fall into a comfort zone with more than one person. heres an ideal IDEAL night with a SOMEBODY that i cherish with all my heart: dinner (i get to cook), a few glasses of wine (if she drinks), an awesome movie or two, falling asleep in bed. honestly. i put on this facade of being somebody who is all about the cheap things in life, but thats usually just so i can level down to most people so i dont just sit at home all day and night with no friends. if i found a girl i was all about and she couldnt have sex or didnt want to or whatever, I WOULDNT CARE. peace of mind and presence of two connected hearts are the only two things that matter. somebody who can accept the negatives in me and the positives as well with a grain of salt. here it goes ill even give the world a head start in me: i take school seriously. i like video games. i dont eat healthy. my feet stink. i have what some people call a "drinking problem" but i dont agree with that, i dont have a job or a car, im good with words, im an amazing cook, im good at baseball, i like to think of myself as a good drummer, i eat NONSTOP and dont gain any weight and sometimes even lose weight, ive been through lots of intense bullshit in my life, i like movies and music a LOT. thats as big a start as youre going to get. i feel totally insanely dumb for even typing this. especially on the fucking internet. but im tired of the same old people. the same old girls with the same idiot small talk about how adorable or pwecious or liddo or amazing something is. theyre all starting to turn into mindless droning clones of one another. gimme a pretty face with a mind and im set. the rest is all just icing on the cake. see, the world is used to seeing me write about my recognition that i am sinking beneath the tarry filth... this is a change of pace, this is me jumping up from the tar for air screaming to be rescued. im tired of settling and cheapening myself and my standards. if youre out there and you read this, please.




please. give me something to believe in.

i love my best friend

wings of lead

i need to get out of this city. it is a breeding ground for the type of life that i am better than, but i still live in it. everything i see is an anchor tethering me to home. so i choose to have nothing concrete. how can you be anchored when you dont supply the rope? do anchors exist out east? is "anchor" even a word? do they speak a different dialect in maryland? i want an ocean with no waves or anchors to be my life. serene. flat. expansive. i dont want crests or ridges. i dont want boats or islands. i want to look into the distance and see only the promising rise of the sun. and know that the sun will set behind me soon. and there will be nothing to maintain focus of in the distance. i want to KNOW this... to see it. feel it. and be ok with it. all i want to do is cheers the setting sun.