April 21, 2009

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person I know with my head on straight.

Then, I think about all the people I don't know anymore and how almost all of them have their head on straight.

A lot of predicaments that not only I face, but my peers face have been plaguing my mind lately. I've concluded that most people simply don't have the acquired skills to negotiate right and wrong within themselves the way you're "supposed" to. A lot of a good thing can become a bad thing over time. Too much soda, get a cavity. Too much sex, get a baby or an STD. Too much loneliness, get a shotgun marriage. Its almost as if the indulgences people partake in become curses over time. Rarely, do people indulge in things because they deserve them anymore. Actually, its the opposite... people are such shitty people and don't deserve the bare minimums, so they indulge in excess to feel better about themselves.

Anthropological analyses have been gnawing their way through my head and out my mouth lately. And when it hits the air, its already morphed its way into an infectious vector of misanthropology. Not what I originally intended. I can't convey myself adequately through any means. And it sucks, because this is a topic I feel VERY strongly about. Its why I don't hang out with certain people. Or associate with certain people. Or date certain people. Or hook up with certain people. The lack of willpower in people is one of the most vile and disgusting traits to me, easily enough to push me away for good. The girls who NEED the opposite sex are always the ones who come for me. But then again, maybe that's why they come for me, because I don't go for them...

I'd like to think I'm not a very needy person. From any aspect, whether that be peer, friend, enemy, or from the opposite sex's standpoint. But the neediest people cling to me. And I can't shake them loose. The worst to me are the people who are downright desperate for attention. The people who text you at literally all hours of the day because they are too uncomfortable with themselves to even be alone with themselves. Solitude is an amazing thing. A revolutionary idea. But its too slow-paced of an idea for society. Solitude would be defying everything that is forced upon us. Everything in our lives now is built to somehow never be alone, no matter what. Even this blog right here. What's wrong with being alone? Its the ultimate healer. I've assuaged heartbreak, addiction, and depression simply through restoring my own homeostasis. Laissez faire. Leave it alone, it'll all right itself in the end. Why are people so desperate to fix things? Its not that its broken, its that its misprogrammed. Short-circuited. Told to do something when it was built for something else. Humans aren't built to depend on other humans. Past the age of 18. But everywhere I look, dependency infiltrates minds and hearts, causing people to do irrational things on a whim. Better to be with ANYBODY than god forbid be alone, right? That's why the divorce rate is up. That's why infidelity is up. That's why teen and young pregnancy statistics are up. Drug use. Alcohol use. I firmly believe that it is all on the rise due to insecurity causing irrationality through dependency.


Solitude is a beautiful thing. It allows you to view absolutely everything in the third person, without the clouded judgement given by interfering indulgences.

Be alone. Learn about yourself. Explore yourself from within yourself. You can't present yourself to the world without first knowing who and what you are presenting...

And that's alllllll she wrote...

I took the longest way home then the shortcut to the promiseland. After months... years of cutting my toes on sharp riverbed rocks and getting my feet frostbitten by the barren mountain passes, I backtracked all the way to the beginning before I set out again... this time taking the short, safe road. I will never climb off the shit heap. There are just too many feet constantly kicking at the top... one of them is bound to hit me. Always does... without fail.

I am carless once again. I am once again at the bottom of the shit heap. Yeah... I still got a job. But I can't even get there in a convenient, timely manner anymore. The only thing keeping me even a tiny bit sane in this life was my ability to drive around and listen to music and escape the walls that enclose me, if even only for a few hours. That privilege deprives itself of my company now also. My car fucking blew up on me. Most people say "my car blew up... undriveable" and you think they blew a head gasket or something... no.... that situation is nowhere near poetic, climactic, or twisted enough for someone like me. My car literally blew up. Like... engulfed in flames. I salvaged a jacket, some baseball gear, and about 30 cds. That's all I have to show for myself and my tenure with a car. I came home and faced my parents like a dog with his tail between his legs. Why can't I just be like you? Why can't there be parents or grandparents that buy me a car? Why can't there be people to celebrate my mediocrity in my life too? Why can't I have a fucking helping hand too? I have nobody helping me. And no resources at my expenditure. I have to put my shit eating grin back on and get yet another second job somewhere. Life is giving me a lot of lemons, I just can't afford the water or sugar to make it into lemonade. So ill just continue to use them as baseballs and hit em into the neighbors' windows.


Back to the level of the walking man. Back to getting shit thrown at me from the undeserving proprietors of a life that can only be described as "superior"

doce de abril

There has to be somebody out there who I can relate to on a human, intellectual level.