So this is the new year?

And I don't feel any different.

Lightness.

I don't think it would be in my best interests to get a car anymore. Gas prices are on the rise, and it is a very strong possibility that I'll be moving far away again soon. Plus, the required maintenance and upkeep costs aren't something I really want to take on right now. Last night, I drank some top of the line wine with two people who I haven't seen in a very long time. One of whom I hurt pretty badly last time I saw them or talked to them. It was a really good time all-around, even though some parts of conversation got more and more awkward as she drank more and more wine. We're all doing well, she just got her bachelor's degree from UC Davis and is going to Europe to live for awhile. My other friend Brittany is making good money working at the hospital. She said I could get a job there as receptionist, but I don't know how I feel about that one. Her mom LOVES me and I LOVE her too, so it was a good reunion all-around, complete with Portuguese wine and elitism. In other stages... Jeremy and Sean are coming in from Denver in a few weeks. Its going to be insanity. I think I'm catching a plane out of SFO to somewhere fun and wild with them. Free flights rule. Then, when they head back home, I'm catching a flight to Colorado Springs from SFO to hang out there for a few days. Its a pretty strong possibility that I will be moving back there into a four bedroom house with friends to live a far more fulfilling life working at the airline and seeing the world for free. Its all on my hit list... Russia. Australia. Paris. Costa Rica. I want to do it all. The terrible quality of life and substance that I find in Vacaville, CA nowadays saddens me. The best way to cut out the negative is to cut out everything and do things my way in a different setting with different advantages and disadvantages to my life. Yes, it will be sad to not be able to see familiar faces at the grocery store, or share memories of being fourteen and throwing water balloons at cars from cooper school, but I've thoroughly assessed both sides of the situation and decided that progression ascends this city's walls. How long can I work for one employer before I peak as assistant manager and 13.00$ an hour? I choose life. And life doesn't exist here, or in my current situation. Life thrives where are things to be lived. And I firmly believe that Vacaville is not that place. I will miss people, no doubt. But if you don't leave the crib, how are you ever gonna walk? When I lived away from home the last time, I was walking tall. I came back crawling. After lots of physical therapy, I'm ready and more than anxious to walk again. With confidence.


Its not me, Vacaville... It's you. We're great, you and I. We contradict each other's very existence, making us an opposing couple. The standoff moments keep the bystanders riveted, but I just don't think we're right for each other. We're going in two different directions, with you going nowhere at all. Don't take it personally. Maybe forty years down the road, I'll come back to you and the cold walls that enclose me here now will turn warm and I will take my children to the same community pool that I went to as a kid. But not now. Its too soon. You're too old and I have too much ambition. Don't cry... I'll always be here for you.

Smiles and Cries.

Tonight, my mom picked me up from work, instead of me finding a random ride home like I usually do, and I actually TALKED to her for the first time in a long long time. It was bittersweet. She alluded to the fact that she knows somewhat the extent of the hellacious life I have lived thus far, even though she still hasn't even gotten beneath the water level of the iceberg. I apologized for being such a cold, heartless, careless person during the months of February until September, and that if I had the chance, I would erase that time span and apply a fresh coat of satin white paint over it. I hear it from people all the time, but having your own mother tell you that she has to remind herself that I am only twenty is a very humbling, sad thing to hear. I'm not her little baby anymore, and whats worse: she's already accepted it. I accepted it at sixteen and have been essentially independent in most ways since. But until recently, I realized that material independence is nowhere near comparable in substance to gradual maturation independence. I ostracized myself from my family at sixteen. No gradual distancing. Thats why I am SO good at doing it to the seemingly inconsequential people now in my life. Not proud of it, but my actions and state of mind became the fiber of my being, and with that fiber, the person who types these words today was woven. I would give absolutely anything and everything back to redo years 14-19. I hurt lots of people in that time. I guess I can only type my sympathies and haunt myself in thought for years to come, and slowly, gradually, smile and cry at my own reflection.

It has been some time....

Since I've been this happy with my life.








The whole world is smiling at me, and I can't help but to smile back.

See You?

9:01 AM LAX – 12:01 PM YVR
United 6114
CRJ-200 A/C
VOA0NA8 View seatsOperated by United Express/ Skywest Airlines





6:00 AM MRY – 9:24 AM DEN United 6732
LA14ON8 View seatsOperated by United Express/ Skywest Airlines Explus Details
connecting to
11:05 AM DEN – 2:35 PM BHM
United 6628
LA14ON8 View seatsOperated by United Express/ Skywest Airlines





6:31 AM FAT – 7:53 AM LAS
United 5706
TA14DNX View seatsOperated by United Express/ Skywest Airlines > Flight info
Fresno, CA (FAT) to Las Vegas, NV (LAS)
Embraer 120
Flight duration: 1h 22m
Economy
No Meal Service
258 miles traveled
258 Award miles
Availability
First N
Business N
Economy Y




1:15 PM SFO – 4:46 PM COS
United 6378
VA14QNX View seatsOperated by United Express/ Skywest Airlines > Flight info









Then, the long bird home.

Black December, can you feel your toes?

Staring up at the black sky in sub-zero temperatures miles away from civilization, and seeing billions of white eyes staring back at you has got to be one of the most beautiful, uncomfortable, awesome, and loneliest feelings. It makes you feel heavy, like all this cosmic weight above you is just pushing you down into the ground. Power.

Cheers

To a cold year that keeps getting warmer.
To letting go of the past.
To not spending christmas alone this time around.
To new days and new sunrises.
To the faces and lives I have altered this year, including my own.
To learning.
To you.




Grab a cup of holiday cheer and drink up.... life is short.

loyalties.

i dont have any anymore. i am rogue. me vs. the world.

broken bond.

free movement of unbound wrists. i can now cut you back.

I Give Up.

returning. revolting. im taking it all back. im going back to the way things were. by myself. ill be alright by myself. i will sink. i will willingly sink. im going to grab my iron shackles and jump in. a ten thousand league plunge. hopefully this time i dont get a chance to resurface. xibalba is a lie. out of death comes death. football season is over. next season, maybe ill make it to the playoffs. xibalba is right. out of death comes life. these shackles feel like fishing line digging into my skin. does salt water infect? maybe when i get to the bottom, a cold, crushing answer will push me deep into the earth's core. away. in the middle. untouchable. the core. warm. solitary. the core. xibalba was right all along... maybe you can live. maybe i can live.

goodbye, light.
long time, no see, black depth.

"fuck these days"

"its the anthem of our youth, the pretty need not apply."

Wilhelm.

He blindly reaches out in the thick night for her soft, smooth stomach. The animate warmth radiating from beneath his palm starts at the fingers and burns a tunnel all the way to his heart.

The express lane.
The quickest way home.

The Belltower House

Hey there, kid... can you recall?
The dry, chapped skin and dusty barren fields
The frigid gumballs in melting mitts
The cookie-cut strip where the summer nights gave silent lectures?

The half-empty pools and half-full heads
The innocent hearts in our separate beds?
Moms and dads searing their throats pealing calls for supper
From blocks away, the siren beckoned with promises of green beans and ramen noodles
And we'd cross the chasm in hands clasped tight
Then release in haste when we hit our street corner.

Super Mario and Donkey Kong in the day
The roofs hunched over us in eclipse of the sun
Cookies and milk mottling the table, giving the grout dots to connect
And I laughed at Ernie and you laughed at Burt
And we made cameos in dreams on Gullah Gullah Island.

Death and The Healing.

"A windstorm dropped a bird from the sky
It fell to the ground and it's wings broke and died
But when the time got by, back to the sky it flied
'Cause the wings healed in time and the bird was I

Time is the death and the healing
Take your last breath, 'cause death is deceiving
Time is the past, now and tomorrow
Days fly so fast and it leaves me so hollow

A snowstorm blew inside a wolf's eyes
And the frozen tears covered all the mountainsides
But then the time got by and the wolf died
And someday that wolf will be I"

a soliloque to no one.

January 17th, 1945

To:


I miss you. Even as I sit upon this fallen tree trunk doused with a fresh dusting of dry snow and dutifully apply ink to paper, I cannot conjure words big enough nor expansive enough that would even begin to alight upon the sturdy foundation of my love for you. I have been writing you for four years from beneath green burlap canvas sacks pitched and played as tents, and I have yet to read words so infathomably deep and injustifying of love as the ones I attempt to splay upon this pock-marked, damp page. My left big toe is gone. Frostbite took it in November... or maybe it was the surgeon who took it. Either way, the left toe that once was caressed by the soft, satin touch of the rolling blade of your forefinger is no more. As the days turn into weeks turn into months turn into years and still not a letter of reply or acknowledgement arrives from your ledger, I am beginning to feel like that toe also. The callouses that have built up on my exterior over the years are being nullified by the frigid chill that is the unknown. I haven't shaved in three days, nor have I brushed my teeth in weeks. I can't wait until this chasm of war is done for, and I can return back to you at your estate on the River Thames, and make the sweetest, most passionate, closest form of love to you that I can, for all the rest of eternity.

I dream of a warmer future in your arms and in your bed.


From: 1ST ENSIGN H. DUNNMORE. 23RD B.F.E. 15:34

Cold Winter.

I have a feeling this Winter is going to feel to me a lot colder than last year. The humidity content here in Northern California makes cold air seem so much colder than the air in dry, desert climates, because it is leaded with more water. So, instead of the 4 degree stinging Winter I had last year, this one will be a shivering 45 degree one that keeps me sore and chills the bones. Oh well.

Last night, me and Pilar and Kailee went over to my boss' house? Kind of a weird turn of events that brought me there, especially since I don't think she likes me very much, but it turns out shes cool with me. I got drunk for the first time in over a month off some white rum shots and then helped Stephanie hang up Christmas decorations around her apartment. Her son is adorable, we were hanging out for awhile. And her giant kitty Gabe is going to be mine soon, considering Stephanie hates him and I love him. I didn't do anything dumb and didn't get all bummed last night, which really makes me happy for a lot of different reasons. This morning, I woke up still pretty drunk and went to school and learned about Korea in the 50's and Vietnam in the 60's and what volitile areas of economic and political unrest they are. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly the United States goes from being a close ally of a country to being their enemy. The United States is like a really clingy, manipulating ex-girlfriend. Allies with Russia in World War I and World War II, then we argue with Russia over Germany and all of a sudden, The Cold War is here. America at its finest. Imperialism. Caveat Emptor. I finally figured out what I'm going to get tattooed across my chest/collar also. Script. Now that I am going to have all this money lying around and never have time to spend it, I think I'll make an appointment for a month or two from now to finish my left arm also. Stoked. I've been spending too much money on clothes and food, as per usual. Making money, though. Lots. At this pace, I should have debts paid and a car bought and an arm tattooed and clothes purchased in almost no time. School is NOT going well, though. I am officially overwhelmed. Not going to complain, because its school, but I have virtually no time or motivation anymore, I just want the semester to be over so I can take the normal hours I am at school and convert them into paid working hours. I haven't had a day off since I started working, and I don't suspect I will for a long time. Kailee's parents are throwing a Christmas party this Saturday, and I plan on showing up in full cosby sweater attire. Khakis and glasses, too. It should be fun. I really like having a primitive phone, for the most part. Since it is totally lame and uninteresting and not fun at all, it keeps my head and thoughts on work or school or people rather than with my head glued to the screen and zoned out in some fictional e-world that doesnt actually exist, besides on the internet. I really wanted to buy The Fountain yesterday, but I couldn't find it anywhere. If you know a place that sells it, let me know. I haven't been to the gym in over a week. Lametown. But oh well, I guess. I don't know if I'm going to renew my membership when it expires in a few weeks. Simply not enough time in a day. The opposite sex is starting to enter my dumb head again. That really sucks, but it can be good too. I found out and orchestrated that Colorado Sean will be coming to visit for awhile, which I am unbelievably stoked about. Then, after that, I will be heading to Denver for a few days to hang out and see everybody. Zak, Jeremy, Sammy, Hannah, Jake, Darren, Brian, Luis. You aren't forgotten in the head of Ryan Alves. I also really would like to go to Mitch's grave. Last time I was in Denver, he was alive and we had a GREAT time drinking whiskey together in movie theaters and at malls and in Zak's backyard. Then we'd go shoot guns. Then, the day after he lit his foot on fire and melted his shoe while we laughed at him, I got a phone call as I got off an airplane saying he was dead. Bummer. Anyways, with all tangents aside, travelling should be fun. This summer, me and Kailee might be headed to Europe with Pilar too so they can do a whole bunch of British guys and so I can bag myself an Italian superwife.

I love my friends.
I love my jobs.
I love my life.



You should too.

all quiet on the western front.

"and i will remember your name and face on the day you were judged by the funhouse cast, and i will rejoice in your fall from grace with a cane to the sky like 'none shall pass'"

hoy.

woke up tired from being out late last night with haley. it was chill we just had fun and food and all that.. i ate three bags of candy by myself, along with two volcano tacos and a thing of nachos. i was HIGH. woke up and failed my polisci test miserably. fuck the constitution. did the same for english. got lunch with dave taylor and hung out a bit. i got paid this weekend for about 55 total collective hours. so i went out and got a new phone with my money. I tried to resurrect the old number, but tmobile wasnt having it, so i had to get a new contract (sorry, justin... ill pay off the cancelled one...) so the number is 707 624 0616. text it. talk to me. let me know how things are in the rest of the world. even if you dont know me and stumbled across this blog, say hi. itll be entertaining. i went shopping at banana republic too and old navy. got some clothes. stoked. and now, i am going to work. good bye.