gift box of curses.

today I found myself knee deep in recurrant thought. I accomplished absolutely nothing today, besides pummeling my psyche into submission with notions that only led me awry over and over again. the best thing to do when you can't stop thinking is savor the thought with some nice outdoor alone time, I "borrowed" jakes longboard and essentially just rode around town for an hour or two... trying to get the machine that is my head up and running again. oiling gears. priming pumps. I come home from doing whatever it is that I do for the first time in 3 days. I go upstairs. I take off my clothes and lay in bed. I realize after a minute that my legs are on top of a rectangular cardboard box. I open the box. in it, are a few hundred or so papers. flyers. newspaper articles. ribbons. report cards. pamphlets. brochures. certificates. police citations. essentially, an official outline of my life, permanently documented in sequential order from my baptism in 1989 til my last official etch in history... high school graduation. but the key element in this time machine package is the photograph I'm looking at right now. of my 6th grade class at sierra vista elementary school. the faces are all smiling. the innocence still apparent. these are people seldom thought of. I see 6 meth addicts, 5 mothers, 4 people who are no longer living, a nun, a girl with aids, and the rest are uninteresting losers such as myself. there isn't one person in this picture who is a veritable success in normal society. we were really just built up to only be torn down. kind of sets you back at square one... because although I speak to literally none of these faces, I know that if I were to show this same picture to any of them, they'd feel the exact sentiment as me. and it would make their heart ache and yearn because of the bliss. I guess you can only look back at your past and what you once were and what the world once was and smile. say cheers, raise the glass tall, and carry on.

fix you.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

the first 48.

the last 48 hours have been wild. all I'm gonna say.

heaven on earth.

not sober.

but still celibate.


matt came back to vacaville for the day today. he lives in italy now so that was pretty wild. there was definitely a few elton john singalongs which I proceeded to hack, but many a slayer singalong which I proceeded to ace.

pins and needles.

one thousand open ears and still not a word to say.

the candle burned out long before the legend ever did...

ill live forever in this cell.
scream through these bars.
resonate treble and bass off cheap concrete and plaster..
the oppression of thousands will be freed in one vibrating vocalization.
every man.. free.
every woman... free.
black. asian. mexican.
the world will see everybody as grey.
all eyes will be equal.
all votes count for one.
the scream will wake the millions of dead who suffered years of beaurocracy and loopholes.
and you won't be there.

and when I see you, I really see you upside down...

but my brain knows better...
it picks you up and turns you around...
turns you around...
turns you around...
and if you feel discouraged,
then there's a lack of color here.

we're runnin in circles again..

job interview on the 29th. loss prevention position. lets see whats up.





im cooking food.

solitary melancholy in the company of few.

I've found out inadvertantly through my own actions and reactions that I am progressively becoming more and more of an asshole with everyday. I guess nothing just seems the same as it used to.. not even me. the little things and nuances that I always found joy and comfort in have been replaced by a habit. a bad habit. tonight was 2 of my good/best friends' birthdays, and I found myself not being able to hang out with either of them because they were drinking. and I didn't want to be around all that tonight. and I don't want to be around all that anymore. I guess if they're truly my friends and not just drinking buddies (which I know they are), they'll appreciate the choices I am making to further my advancement in life and as a person so I don't continue being a log floating down a river... hitting every rock and waterfall on the way down. I just really want to go back to the way it was... where I ALWAYS felt like I was on top of the world. where I could still get wild alongside my friends... only that I was the only sober one. I really just want it to be 2006 again.. every night was mels coffee night with justin... followed by a movie and intuitive conversation and advice.

I feel like less of a person since I've moved back home. I'm so pathetic overall that its ridiculous. I have no job. I am not currently attending school. I can't afford to do anything fun. can't buy anything nice for myself. even food... I can't even afford top ramen right now if I wanted it. I don't want to get married. I don't want a kid. I don't want a career right now... I just really want to go out on my OWN again and do my own thing. I liked not having any means of support other than myself. no second chances when you're 1000 miles away. you play for keeps. but I lost the game. I got bought then kept. where I continue to be kept. at the bottom of the glass... then floating at the top. simultaneously at the same time. I can't really explain it... but I don't feel like I am the same person who once had so much. eh. oh well.

on a much lighter note... I'm almost positive I sprained my ankle on my severely drunken adventure 2 nights ago. it hurts really bad essentially everytime I even do anything with it like move it. I am in a world of pain, I guess you could say.

my vow of celibacy is working out pretty well so far. woo. weird how you look at girls differently when you give up having sex. I guess that just further confirms that men are, in fact animals and pigs and that its only in their nature. not really a good excuse but the truth nonetheless. lets see how long this whole priest celibate thing lasts... I promise to keep the details and results posted. I'm also thinking about going sober again... although that's a wild bridge to cross. I don't commit to something I know I can go through with and even celibacy is iffy in my mind. but ill just keep on keepin on the whole sober front of the war and ill keep you posted on that too.

I saw the dark knight today... and let me tell you this... easily one of the top 3 best movies I've ever seen in theatres... easily in my top 10 of favorite movies of all time... maybe even my top 5. heath ledgers performance as the joker is so good its chilling. gave me the goosebumps time and time again. the overall epicness of the entire movie with its different storylines and plots and all around amazing acting came together in just the right way like a symphony and my ears and eyes and mind were applauding. I couldn't even say anything after the movie ended for a good hour or two except for "holy fuck.... that movie was fucking amazing."

literally. if you haven't, you NEED to see it. it'll make you cry... not because its sad... but just because its such a masterpiece.

comprehensible.

finally. I'm officially on a chillout. oh and I said this earlier but I'm officially celibate too...

happy birthday to omar and pilar! and stephanie too I hope you guys have a good one and stay alive to see day one of being 23, 19, and 19 respectively.


I need a job and I've been applying like wild... everywhere I apply, I'm told by people who work there that I'm a shoe in for the job and it keeps not happening. maybe I give the wrong impression. hm. so if you know anybody who's hiring, let me know. that is... if anybody actually even reads this.


I'm going to get my drums back in commission... because I have some pretty cool little projects goin on that I'd like to make official and actually make music instead of thinking about it.


my room looks sick after my heavy cleaning and rearranging.. except for the fact that the sheets I got for my bed were wayyy too small.... so my bed will continue to be sheet-less.


I've decided that I shouldn't be allowed to have a cell phone when I'm drunk.. I do too much dumb shit and say too much dumb shit like the previous entry or two... but since this is a more privatized exclusive setting for my words to find a home, I've already told myself since day one of the ol blog that no entry will ever be deleted.... no matter what. I guess this whole thing will be cool to read over again and again... just to get a sense of who I am. because sadly enough, this is the closest I get to being real. this blog.


winter is coming, and I am way stoked on getting more winter clothes.. skinny dudes and summer clothes don't mix, so I just have fun with it. but winter, I put my game face on and go balls out with the clothing.


I need medical and dental insurance again, I haven't been to a doctor in over a year and a dentist in about a year. I gotta get this frostbite checked out amongst lots of other physical problems that I've just been using fix-it techniques for.


I've realized that, to the outside person (you), my life is a lot better to read about than to actually be apart of. and its better for me too because I'm closed off and I don't like people. oh and I'm detrimental to you too.


subconsciously, I want a girlfriend. consciously thinking, I don't... and can't have one. so ignore those statements in the previous entries. looks like the ol celibacy move is a long term thing. who cares.


I got a new dresser.

I had $$ two days ago. my food addiction stole that.


that's basically an update in my life stay classy world

shake rattle and roll

I wish I could remember what I wanted to narrate in this empty paragraph box... but the truth is, since about 9pm tuesday night I've been blackout drunk. anybody who knows me or has seen me drink knows that I'm a tank for booze... so they know how much it takes for me to get blacked out. that's where I've been. nonstop. I've had almost zero food. but I have quenched my thirst many a time.


oh hey I'm celibate now.









oh hey I want a girlfriend so I can not be celibate.




I love jon russell.
if I told you how much I've drank just today/yesterday you wouldn't believe me.

fuck yeah for tweaks, idiot hoes, peoples birthdays being today, and all the $$$ I've contributed to the recycling fund today.

its 535 am.

I've been steadily drinking all night. I've at least kill 2/3 of a handle of captain morgan to myself. now that that's all gone, I'm on some purple carlo rossi. jakes having sex with some girl in the back room. I don't care. I have standards. and class. I'd rather be a slave to rossi and death cab like I am right now than be a slave to the girl.



but... I really want a chill ass girlfriend.





help.

submerge.

never on the emerge.

scars.

n: a permanent signifying mark on the surface of the skin caused by intense physical trauma without proper care. often raised or discolored in texture and appearance.


today, a girl I didn't know and had never formally met asked me about a specific scar on the top of my left hand. the scar is circular and about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. upon getting asked, I told her that I "didn't want to talk about it", although I wasn't mad at her for being curious. most people don't realize it even exists, including myself. which is for the better. but when I get asked, I am morphed back to a time and place I choose to never voluntarily go. I'm a different person. I think about everything leading up to the scar.. and in doing so, I find myself holding my palms out upside down examining each and every scar on my hands... retelling the story behind each one to myself. as if to remind myself of something I only wish to forget. then I turn into a stone cold person. because none of them are from falling off bikes or accidentally cutting yourself while chopping onions. they're all self-inflicted via inverse actions. when I do this, I hate myself. for the person I was. for the things I did. for the shit I saw. for the pain I felt. for feeling the pain of people no longer in my life. physical, emotional pain that starts at the heart and works its way outward until I swear the scar turns back into a bleeding open wound.




this is by far the most emotionally driven blog I have ever written. right now, I am lying on my bed at home. sobbing. for what I was. for what I am. for things I've done. for remorse and guilt and pain felt years too late. for everything that I've been through... thrown into the real world way too young way too prematurely. experiencing the side of life few know and nobody likes to talk about. the dark side. the other side of the tracks. the scourge that gets brushed into a dustpan then cast aside in a trash can. this is the first time I've cried in years. the tears must be stagnant in their ducts. I hate that from this point until I forget again, I am stone cold. raw. faceless. thoughtless.

hello, my name is ryan alves...

and let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am tall (6'5"). generally, I'd rather watch movies alone or with a good friend than go out, but I never watch movies and I'm always out. weird. I really like kool-aid, but when I make it, I just compare it to justins kool-aid and get discouraged. justin makes amazing kool-aid. I really like life cereal. I eat lots of top ramen too... except I add spices herbs and sauces to it so I get a little more credibility in the cooking world. I like listening to music that plucks at me heart strings (dashboard confessional, death cab, postal service, saves the day). I like sex. a lot. I'm good at it. I basically wear whatever I want... the only difference being that in the winter I care what I look like so I dress nicer than summer. in the summer I wear a swimsuit under everything. I wear jeans everyday. and vans. I play the drums. the extent of my drumming nowadays are sunday jam sessions every 1st and 3rd sunday at live music center here in town. I drink a lot... and I mean a lot. both in quantity and quality. I don't drink to forget though... I drink because when I drink, I usually have way more fun. plain and simple. I don't use it as a scapegoat. I don't use it as an excuse for when I do dumb shit. I play call of duty 4 online a lot (6+ hours a day). and I still somehow suck. wow. I like to play baseball and when I'm not playing jazz on specific sundays, I'm playing baseball with a bunch of my friends and people I don't know at all over at arlington park. I'm usually accompanied by lots of beer also. I rarely go to shows anymore. I used to go to shows 5/7 nights of the week. I'm starting school on august 18th. 2 years too late. I lived in denver for about 9 months between may 07- march 08. I moved there with my ex-girlfriend. in january, I found myself homeless without adequate winter clothing or blankets and I contracted frostbite on my right big toe. the toe is 100% numb to me now although it isn't discolored. I'm drunk still from last night as I'm typing this. my vocabulary rivals that of merriam webster's, and I know how to piece words together very well in the form of poetry, short stories, or song lyrics. I'm even known to bust out big words during normal casual conversation. I like bowling and pizza. I have lots of shoes. my room is dirty. I have a pet turtle named philbert. I'm kind of a clothes fiend. I firmly believe that ben gibbard has the voice of all the angels combined into one majestic sonic force. I don't believe in god. I am severely atheist. anarchy is a terrible idea. communism is a great idea in itspurest form. I take medicine to keep my acne at bay... when I forget to take it (frequently), it gets pretty out of hand pretty fast. I like bacon. I firmly believe will ferrell is the funniest man ever. I also believe that oppressing vegan or sober or religious points of views on people who have no interest in listening to drivel is for idiots who are so insecure in standing alone for something they "believe in" that they try to rope others into it as well. I like ice cream. mint chip is the best flavor EVER. I like kitties. and doggies. I had a tattoo on the top of my left hand that I scratched off with a steak knife. ever need any tattoos removed call 707 454 6771, ill take care of you haha. I have tattoos on my left forearm front to back, but once the weather gets colder and swim season is over, ill be finishing my entire left arm and working on my right leg. I think people who appraise others based on the number of tattoos and/or piercings they have are shallow idiot typical americans. all girls that do that aren't worth my time or anybodys time that has integrity and intellect. I like amy feist. she has a clear voice. salami, ham, and pastrami are my favorite lunch meats. with hot spicy dijon mustard. I like food more than anything in the world. carne asada tacos with pico de gallo, cilantro, lime juice, and tapatio is my dish. I'm very skinny (160 pounds) for how tall I am, and it perplexes me considering literally all I do is drink tons of beer (last night it was a 40oz, 2 miller 32oz, a bottle of baileys, and tequila shots), eat tons of food (4+ meals a day), and get ZERO exercise. I love my dog lacy more than 99.9% of the people in my life. I'm basically a squatter at my friends jake and justin's apartment. I come home once every 3 or 4 days. I like red vines a lot. and arizona tall cans. a normal convenience store run for me looks like this: 1 rockstar, 1 arizona tall can (watermelon or kiwi strawberry), 1 bag of funyuns, and 1-2 sticks of hot and spicy beef jerky. pacifico is my beer of choice, jack daniels is my lq of choice. carne seca beef jerky is really good. I like brown haired girls with nice smiles. the number or percentage of girls I'd dateis slim to none, but the number I'd hook up with is vast. I like smart girls who are down to earth and aren't whores but are still down haha. I read a lot. I'm pretty introvert. there are times where ill go into this wicked bumout spell and not need or want anything to do with anybody. I've been in different metal, hardcore, and punk bands since I was 13... and that hardcore punk thread of my youth exploded between the time I was 17-18 due to me being in a band called trash talk. I like swimming. I hate the beach. I like snow. I hate seafood. I love the thrill of the hunt. I like grand theft auto. and vince vaughn. the shawshank redemption is my favorite movie and one of my favorite books. I'm nice. I'm a dick. calvin and hobbes books rule. vanilla coke is good. I'm wild. I live a wilder life and have done more in my 19 years than most 50 year olds have done/lived. I'm very musically inclined... no lessons or formal teaching. I don't drive. I don't have a job. I pay rent in my parents' house. I pay my own phone bill. I don't have any medical insurance. my hair grows really fast. I never wear socks. myfeet stink.


I'm nice I'm mean I'm kind I'm lean I'm black I'm green now you seen.

oakland blackouts.

came home for the first time in three days today and was greeted by an empty house and a power outage... so I did what any man would have done in such a situation and reorganized my room. it looks sick now. so its 930pm and my mom tells me the power has been out since 5am... our house always get blackouts and they always last a really long time. I really don't want to go out and get wild tonight at all I just want to chill in my room and watch movies. but since the power is out and my family is a bit hostile right now... I guess that means I have to go out and have fun. aw shucks.

listening with my ears and listening with my eyes and...

its 2:06 am right now. omar is passed out on the couch and I'm ripping cds to jakes xbox 360. me and omar almost singlehandedly killed a handle of bacardi tonight. what's crazy is that I don't even feel drunk even though I know I am... I just feel.... normal. we played grand theft auto and call of duty and me and omar made everybody laugh tonight... as is the normal routine. but after everybody went to bed... when it was just me and omar... we just sat on a couch and listened to music that hit home in both of us. I'm ripping/listening to a lot more of that tonight... considering I'm not even tired. what's weird nowadays is that I only get tired when I'm sober... but when I'm drunk, I only sleep about 4 hours a night. I can't explain that, but I can freely say that it can't be any reason that's beneficial to my health. there's about an inch of rum left in the bottle and I have every intention of drinking it and zoning out to death cab, dashboard, postal service, and matisyahu. I'm content with my life right now... therefore, your opinion on my choices and habits means nothing to me... because nobody means anything to me save for the few in this apartment and maybe one or two others. you're just extras in the movie of my life.



so here I go again.. slipping into another one of my disappearing acts... who knows when I resurface.

drive slow homie...

drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie
drive slow homie

drive slow homie...

black dog.

so yo... the last 24 hours or so have been fucking ridiculously over the top wild. and today/tonight is looking up to be just the same. right now I'm keepin it chill with call of duty 4 and pacifico out here at HQ with jake eirik and jonny. matt and I had a wild wild wild adventure last night which I choose wisely to not divulge on the permanent history book known as the internet... but ask me about it and ill fill you in for sure. corrina and omar were apart of aforementioned journey also. 2 days ago (sunday) played baseball with a bunch of friends. that really honestly just consisted of me basically killing an 18 pack of mgd by myself except like 5 beers and still womping ass at baseball. first AB I hammered a deep fence shot out to left center for a cake double. then I took a beer break... for about 3 innings. then I hit the field and proceeded to get ZERO balls hit to me. thank god for the other team cause I would have caught the ball, then thrown the runners out, then went home and had sex with their mothers and not even say thank you. then it gets blurry but I remember hitting on girls rather sloppily, flying kites, this girl being all about me, then eating mass quantities of pizza before going back to HQ for more beer in pong form. I lost/won. yay/boo for me. woke up the next day at home, got about halfway through watching the majestic when I got kidnapped by matt jake and justin. recycled cans then did the do for about 9 hours before our wildness happened around 1130. woke up today played call of duty helped out ran errands moved furniture... got LOTS of beer then went home and said what's up to moms and picked up medicine from the ol pillbox. tonights about to be righteous as well I registered for classes here's what's up!



ENGLISH 101P
SPEECH 1
JAZZ ENSEMBLE
POLITICAL SCIENCE 1
HISTORY 1

god damn...

I am a skinny motherfucker.





you'd think with my horrendous diet (fast food or ramen 4/5 times a day), the lack of exercise in my life, and the copious amounts of beer I consume, I would definitely be bigger... but since march, I've progressively gotten skinnier and skinnier... I honestly don't get it.




rethinking, I've come to the conclusion that all the materialism and conformism that I've been combating since day one may not be conformism at all... maybe some things are held in such high regard (cars, jobs, money, things) because they actually do serve a purpose in concrete real life, instead of in this false realm of robotism where people senselessly follow each other in circles. a car matters to me right now... and the lack of a car matters to me even more... I need to not have to rely on other people to get to school. I need to not have to rely on the questionable reliability of the vacaville city coach to get to work. I need to not rely on the fact that one of my friends has the day off AND is willing to take the time to drive me somewhere. I need a car. sucks. but its the truth. sucks that ill be a slave to petroleum... to insurance.. to credit scores and cosigners and payments. too bad I realized all this way too late. my credit is fucked. for life. I can't even get a bank account for 7 years because I am blacklisted from all banks. forget about a loan. forget about insurance. I'd never get approved for any of those. it sucks having to carry cash on you everywhere. buy everything in cash. get paid in cash. pay other people cash to pay the bills. neverending cycle. back on the materialism front, I need more/new clothes. and more/new things.

the sound of settling.

I'm ready to slip out of the grey into the concrete then back in the haze. ready to become that last puff of black smoke before the fire sputters into white.

yeah you were beautiful...

but you didn't mean a thing to me..

hellacious.

yesterday was pretty intense. woke up around 10am to my phone ringing. it was my good friend jon. him and my other friend big matt swung by the casa and swooped me up with his heart set on one thing: the lake. after going 15 miles in the opposite direction, we swooped up jake at solano then decided it was about the right time for a little wal-mart action. I ate a double cheeseburger then hit the sporting goods aisles... after deciding on the gnarliest raft ever and 20 feet of rope, we made the ominous trek down the beer aisle. I decided on a 12 pack of bud lime with my 15$, jake got a 12 pack of rolling rock, and jonny got a 30 pack of bud light. before I left home, I pulled a power play and stole my parents' ice chest so we crammed all of that, ice, and 12 mountain dews in the ol chest and made a mad dash for the lake in jonnys new car. that fucker has a new mitsubishi galant with subs, a touch screen dash stereo, and sirius radio. I remember I used to listen to sirius backspin channel 43 all day everyday a few years back so I wisely suggested that channel. it was a hit. public enemy wu tang run dmc sugarhill gang bumped in the beat the whoooole way. ok so we get to the lake and I get down to traditional alvesey summer attire with a quickness: short shorts, no shirt, vans with no socks, and my ray charles glasses. its about 103 degrees. I blow up my bad ass raft, jonny and jake got a fucking motor for their huuuuge raft boat, and matt gets down to boxers and its beers away with a quickness. it probably took about 15 minutes to do all this and we all kill 3 beers apiece. except matt... he doesn't drink. so we walk our rafts and ice chest down to the water and I swear I was in some fucking diarrhea estuary or some shit because the water looks like it probably has hepatitis. so yeah we definitely get in the water, me with shoes on and it turns into automatic party time. I'm going to measure increments of time in beer when I'm talking about yesterday... so about 2 beers later a boat comes through our little section of septic sludge and gives us a lift out to actual water. most fucking gnarly town ever. I was holding on to the big raft for dear life while sitting on my righteous tie dye flip flop raft and I thought I was gonna let go about 17 times. the assholes speed up even. so we finally get to water that doesn't have salmonella and we just chill. about 3 beers later we realize that we are definitely drifting out to sea towards japan. we see a buoy with some sign on it for boats... "no wake zone" and we all start kicking towards it... we get to the buoy aka "the club" and we wisely decide that we want to party on it. jonny gets on and jake gets on and that's when it turns bad... the buoy definitely tips over upside down and all the foam floatation shit was under {on top} of it dislodges so there's just bare algae wood showing. also, the anchor holding it in one spot comes off too.. after tipping the sign back upright, we wisely decide against taking the "club" with us on our journey and just leave it there to slowly sink. around this part of the day is when my memory starts to get a tad bit hazy courtesy of the already 12 beers I had consumed. I remember somehow getting to shore where we proceeded to yell at everybody in boats that were passing us going upwards of 50 mph. the wake and waves from that was pretty hellacious and I tipped over a few times... luckily though the ice chest didn't and the great drinkoff of 2008 continued with more zest than ever. realizing that we were definitely on the opposite shore of the store with food and that we had to paddle against the current to get further upstream towards said store, I was the only smart one who made a conscious decision to stay onshore and walk rather than do what they did: paddle upstream. on some mud beach right across from the store/docks, matt continued pulling the rafts in the water while me jake and jonny sat in cess that is lake berryessa. we're about 14 15 beers deep and its safe to say I was drunk. so... drinking a rolling rock, we decide to try to swim across to the docks. so we did. I was drinking a beer while swimming through the lake. beer didn't even get wet I kept that shit above water. drinking it while swimming and strugling to stay afloat too. we get on the docks and we're all exhausted so I chug the ol beer and we head to the store for some dogs and burgs and asada. closed. we walk back towards the ol car and some fucking whacko guy GIVES us a paddleboat. righteous. at the car we meet up with our long lost ice chest and beers away again. by this point all the good beer is definitely gone so its just us and buddy light. spirits dampered and bellies empty, we pull out the power play and lay down the plan to make the commute into the bustling metropolis of winters and get some food at the ol pizza factory. a wise wise choice. matt hops in the captains chair of the ol galant and takes his crew on a scenic trek through the wilderness that is lake berryessa. 2 beers later and down the mountain into the busy metropolitan region that is winters, we find ourselves at heavens gate aka the pizza factory. jonny orders whatever we ate there and a guy comes out with a pitcher of beer and sets it on the table with righteous mugs to accomodate aforementioned beer. matts driving and jake is a pussy ass hoe so me and jonny are left to drink said pitcher by ourselves. the pizza comes out... supreme pizza with garlic. I don't like supreme pizza. I don't like olives or peppers or sausage or ham. I must have had 6 fucking slices. gnarly. we polish off the ol pitcher and hop in the mothership for the quest back towards home. then something I've never even seen before happens... jonny pukes. I don't really remember the drive back into town at all after that, honestly... but I do remember drinking a beer on previously stated drive. getting back to HQ, I take a spot on the ol recliner when jonny busts through the ol door with old mister chest in hand and bud e. light inside said chest. basically it happens like this... jonny leaves and comes back and leaves again and I drink the rest of the beer. people were in and out of HQ all night... sammy and corrina came over that was chill some hoe I didn't know but I guess she knew me was bein awkward. I got semi-heated at her fuckin boyfriend because he was sayin dumb shit. his friend is a redneck psycho who shot his own dog. wild. I remember watching reno 911 with matty marino laughing our asses off at 3am before I "fell asleep". woke up around 11 still hammered drunk and me and jake walked here then to subway then I came home and have been playing call of duty 4 online all day with my brother. yep. that's essentially 24 hours through my eyes. oh yeah fucking jeremy is flying in tonight from denver and I'm righteously stoked... he's so sick. its gonna be a fun few days with that guy. zak needs to come out too. and sean needs to die. stay classy, world.... I'm gonna figure out how I'm getting to the airport

always ten feet tall

todays gonna be a good day...

always ten feet tall

todays gonna be a good day...

ivory lines lead

i went on a 4 hour walk tonight. after drinking 12 pacificos, 2 becks, and 1 bud light. so here i am. at home. listening to death cab. drunk. be warned about the thoughts im about to dispell.





im almost positive i came home to my little brother (13) whackin off to porn in the office. the office door was locked and he was super sketched out when i knocked. gnarly. oh and listen to cradle of filth too. damnation and a day is their sickest album by far fyi. i love walking around between 130am and 345am and coming home still sweating. it must be 90 outside still... im so down with that. the next two days are supposed to be 110+ so i honestly think im gonna go to leslies pool supply and buy a legit ass raft bed i can sleep on at night... with a built in cup-holder of course. oh hey my life is about to suck again... the bed that i have right now is about to basically be reposessed by one of my best friends. so ill be sleeping on a floor until further notice... and hey if you dont know me at all and want to hook me up with a bed (and hopefully some ice cream and red vines too) hit me up at 707 454 6771. im all about it.


welp.. im getting wayyyyyyyyyy more tired.... this one goes out to friedrich nietzche, josef stalin, karl marx, adolf hitler, mussolini, guevara, columbia, kim jong il, china, and communists everywhere.







p.s. im the best drunk typist ever.

24 deep 24 more

lately, ive only been home once every 3 or 4 days. thats changing because thats definitely not acceptable.

i need to register for classes next year. ill probably do that tonight. so far is political science, english 1 college composition, speech, history 3, and music appreciation. going for my general ed associates degree so i can transfer to a 4 year and get AT LEAST a bachelors in english. gonna be an english teacher... life and career are finally really getting started. i just hope my credit and wallet arent too far gone to be beyond repair. school. job. car. apartment. hopefully in that order. granted ive been moved out since i was 17 until march, i still feel pathetic for living at home. and i really wish id never sold my car a year ago. and since we're on this subject... why the FUCK did i move to denver? she wasnt right i wasnt right the timing wasnt right. blah blah blah doesnt matter i wound up in the end with a frostbitten toe, amazing friends, homelessness, heartbreak, and a lot of fun wild times. kind of a win/lose i guess you could say...


i hate who i am. i love who i am.

dont wake me i plan on sleeping in.

pick this album up if you dont already have it. been life changing for me since the day i picked it up a few years back.

rewind reset rebuild

4th of july was a gnarly/chill one for me. did nothing all day then at night time got kinda wild at this girl allie's house.. fireworks were lit indoors.bombs were made. fun was had, basically. also, today i played actual musical drums today for the first time in about 4 years. and by musical i dont mean the shit i usually play thats all simplicity and heavy hitting. trombone piano banjo mandolin flute saxophone guitars bass harmonica drums. i needed it. something to kind of set me back on kilter and back at ground zero in music. i think im going to start giving lessons again... only this time hopefully professionally. righteous.




i love my turtle and beef jerky.

one thousand open ears and still not a word to say.

the title speaks for itself. i really dont have anything to say.

dreaming in dog years.

perfunctory. allusory. disfunctional. defunct. elusive. placated. immortalized. dense. obtuse. acute. shrouded. mobile. vaporized. emulated. desensitized. disinfected. misanthropizedundefined. disillusioned. injected. comatose. dilated. blind. omnipotent. futile. slave. master.



i am life. i am death.

birthplace and burialsite.

rethinking.... everything.

sober? celibate? responsible?










all are strong candidates for a reformed me. ohh and i really want it to be november..

you wont be laughing when your covered wagons crash..

phones out. indefinitely. havent been home in 3 days.


trainwreck.

sorry, world...

ill go away again.

wolf in sheeps clothing.

i dont know how much longer i can keep up this charade. i trade my beat up sneakers for tap dance shoes when im around you. my holey, faded t-shirts turn into collared white dress shirts complete with a cumber bund and bowtie when im around you. my unrefined thoughts and corrupted head revert back to innocence and purity. i just want to drive all night with the window down listening to music of a better time and place. want to eat ice cream. drink lemonade. see a play... an opera. have fancy dinners in fancy places wearing fancy things. you make me want to be a better person, i guess i could say. but the clear vision of it is this: i will never have fancy dinners. dress shirts. nice cars. nice things. a nice girl. ill never be able to go to plays or operas or symphonies. never any brisk weekends on yachts on obscure lakes with crisp air or cool breezes. i can only offer anybody or anything myself. and its getting harder and harder to find which form of myself is actually me. hood rat or intellectual. rise above or sink below. submission or patriotism. i am only ever TRULY myself in this blogspot. because i dont talk to anybody about anything concrete. i dumb myself down to the world around the few people that i do associate. and so every once in awhile, i sit on a computer and just sit down and start writing. not trying to go anywhere. not trying to get a message out. not trying to accomplish anything..... just so i can talk to somebody. even if they are incapable of talking back. its not so much the last sane thoughts of a crazy man as it is the last ounce of true sanity the world even possesses. social nicety and mannerisms defeat true unbridled logic from emerging in everyday life. so i made this part of my everyday life. so i can get my dose of sanity everyday before i hit the block for my hustle, false senses of security, and bottle. i should be at harvard. yale. stanford. i should be above this...SHIT that is my life. im not sinking beneath the bullshit, im just fighting for air so hard that im merely staying level. not much air left, muscles weak. life has taken its toll on me. death almost a welcoming relief. ive lived too much of the other side of life... you know... the side nobody likes to talk about. i am that dark cloud in a blue sky. that unpleasant reminder that just because you see a blue sky now, tomorrow there could be squalls. not even enough fight in me to produce a lightning bolt.

clawed my way through life. the dirt under my fingernails is a telltale reminder of the shit ive seen and crawled through. the scars too painful to even talk about.. still open wounds. nothing will ever soothe them. so while you go on living your life, driving your car, wearing nice clothes, going to school, dating people deserving of modeling contracts, ill be down in the cesspool. thinking of you with a smile on my face... wishing it could have been me.





"so lets sit back... and watch it fall apart again"