Blank.

I am really at somewhat of a loss for words. But for some reason, I still type. I think its because typing in this stupid fucking thing is literally the only constant in my life. This blog spans lifetimes, from the first post to the latest. I've been a lot of different people in that time frame. Friends have appeared and disappeared in that time span. The opposite sex has disappeared and reappeared in various different forms. I have been happy. I have been sad. I have been broke. I have indulged. I have had moments of clarity. Moments of sheer blur. I have been numbed drunk. I have been painfully sober. And through it all, here I still sit. Confused as day one. I dont write, I type. Whatever comes through these fingertips isn't thought, it is merely reaction and impulse. I don't want to leave yet, but I have nowhere to go. Rent got doubled and I lost one of my jobs. I have nowhere to go. Where is my true north? Who is my true north? If I dont know where I am, how do I know where I'm going? Who are you to me? What are you to me? What am I to you?


I got fired for something I honestly didnt do. Because I didn't suck up as much as the other employees. Because I didn't blame other people like the other employees blamed me. Because I kept my head down, my mouth shut, and continued to work, I got fired. I have no idea who took the fifty dollars. I dont care to know who did. I know that I didnt. But without getting on my knees and kissing somebody else's feet and begging mercy for my innocence, I might as well have done it. All I wanted was a fighting chance. All I want is a chance. Two jobs via the Vacaville Bus System aint easy, but I did it. Two jobs and full time school was even harder.... But I did it. I got my life on track. I crawled off the shit heap. I clawed my way out. But I guess life makes a track of its own...

Do I sink? Or do I swim?