dont stand so close to me.

i just want to push everybody away.


accept me for what i am, part of the background for everybodys life.

applying for jobs

is tedious

bastard set of dreams.

something happened last night... i was in denver.. walking from where i used to stay off oak and west colfax. walking past the single level buildings that house dead ambition and decay. there were a lot of cracks and potholes in the road, telling me that the road was well treaded in its past. I wasnt walking on the sidewalk with the rest of the empty, addicted faces that passed me. I was walking, strolling in the street. along with everybody that drove. it was hot, and around 6pm.. starting to get dark. I didnt have a care in the world that i had to walk all the way downtown. It felt almost like i was strolling through a very green and lush park in my own spare time on my own day off, for no reason. I got to colfax and a man had a drum set set up in his garage. i hadnt heard or played the drums in years, i walked up his driveway next to a big white cat and i stood and watched him play for a few minutes. he wasnt that good. i smiled, said "thank you", pet the kitty, and left down the driveway. a few minutes later down more towards wadsworth, another man hands me a pair of 2B vic firths, and i start drumming my thighs as i walk. the smile on my face is still expectant as i turned the corner from colfax onto 13th. i look down and i see what i thought was the pale green stain that is connotated with money. "nobody just leaves money on the ground", i tell myself... and i keep walking. i see it again. i bend down. folded into a half stack are various 1s and 5s. i walk further toward home and find more stacks, the bills getting bigger on the way til all i find is a stack of 50s on my apartment porch. i hear a demonic, cynical laugh from behind the white ash that is my front door. i pause. wondering how this cheap canadian export of a door is holding such a thing behind it. i turn and walk away, towards the cheesecake factory. i treat myself to a nice dinner alone. i order a scintillating white wine with snipping crimson accents in the nostils. i smile a big hearty smile. i never laugh.



i woke up a very rich man this morning.

my fingers.

type in psychosoma.

naive.

i guess its wrong to want something concrete and stable with somebody else. i guess that society's diluted moral standards hold nothing sacred anymore. all i want is a somebody. i need a SOMEBODY. a somebody who jumps off the page and grabs my attention and keeps it there. somebody i cant figure out. somebody who keeps me guessing. i get lazy and like to stand on the balls of my feet instead of on my tippy toes. i need someone who will keep me on my toes. the edge of my seat. somebody i can converse with as an adult. somebody whom i can talk about adult things with and still maintain interest without talking about menial senseless petty temporary things. i dont want anything out of anybody except to see their genuine real side. once somebody lets you see the REAL them, thats a bigger bond of trust than any words can cover. I know i dont let anybody know me, as im sure you do. I can count the number of people who have known past versions of me on one hand. and of them, only one still knows me. justin stewart. the person you see in my previous post. other than him, nobody knows the real me. i want to be able to fall into a comfort zone with more than one person. heres an ideal IDEAL night with a SOMEBODY that i cherish with all my heart: dinner (i get to cook), a few glasses of wine (if she drinks), an awesome movie or two, falling asleep in bed. honestly. i put on this facade of being somebody who is all about the cheap things in life, but thats usually just so i can level down to most people so i dont just sit at home all day and night with no friends. if i found a girl i was all about and she couldnt have sex or didnt want to or whatever, I WOULDNT CARE. peace of mind and presence of two connected hearts are the only two things that matter. somebody who can accept the negatives in me and the positives as well with a grain of salt. here it goes ill even give the world a head start in me: i take school seriously. i like video games. i dont eat healthy. my feet stink. i have what some people call a "drinking problem" but i dont agree with that, i dont have a job or a car, im good with words, im an amazing cook, im good at baseball, i like to think of myself as a good drummer, i eat NONSTOP and dont gain any weight and sometimes even lose weight, ive been through lots of intense bullshit in my life, i like movies and music a LOT. thats as big a start as youre going to get. i feel totally insanely dumb for even typing this. especially on the fucking internet. but im tired of the same old people. the same old girls with the same idiot small talk about how adorable or pwecious or liddo or amazing something is. theyre all starting to turn into mindless droning clones of one another. gimme a pretty face with a mind and im set. the rest is all just icing on the cake. see, the world is used to seeing me write about my recognition that i am sinking beneath the tarry filth... this is a change of pace, this is me jumping up from the tar for air screaming to be rescued. im tired of settling and cheapening myself and my standards. if youre out there and you read this, please.




please. give me something to believe in.

i love my best friend

wings of lead

i need to get out of this city. it is a breeding ground for the type of life that i am better than, but i still live in it. everything i see is an anchor tethering me to home. so i choose to have nothing concrete. how can you be anchored when you dont supply the rope? do anchors exist out east? is "anchor" even a word? do they speak a different dialect in maryland? i want an ocean with no waves or anchors to be my life. serene. flat. expansive. i dont want crests or ridges. i dont want boats or islands. i want to look into the distance and see only the promising rise of the sun. and know that the sun will set behind me soon. and there will be nothing to maintain focus of in the distance. i want to KNOW this... to see it. feel it. and be ok with it. all i want to do is cheers the setting sun.