february twenty fifth.

This is it. The last broken glass shards of reflection and regret lie within this block of text. One year. That's how long its taken to go from being normal to completely fucked up to being normal again. A year ago on leap year, I moved back to Vacaville. It took a year for me to realize that my negative experiences don't define the person I am today and the person I present to the world in the future. A year of mistakes and burnt bridges. But now that I'm here, I'm glad that I have none of the unimportant in my life, save for a few lingering clingers. I like being a real person. Me. I wish sorry meant something, coming from my lips. But its just a promise tainted with venom. I find its better to say nothing in such situations, rather than make an attempt to level with certain people. Ill either always be on a pedestal, or always be the drunk you once knew me to be, but I will never be level to most people. All the pride, integrity, morals, self-respect, and discipline that left me for more deserving souls has returned home and it is an amazing feeling. Most people, in the course of their life, never truly know what it feels like to hit rock bottom in essentially all aspects of their life. And even fewer who get there know what it feels like to come out on top. I'm 20 years old and I can say I know both of those feelings. You don't like me saying it? Fuck you. People always tell me I'm an old man. And you know what? I am. You don't live a full life and not get old. That's just not how it works. There's something important missing in my life right now, along with a lot of money. But I've learned to not rush either and that both come and go. I'm laying in a room I pay to rent, on a phone I pay for the luxury of using, listening to a cd I bought. I drove around all night in a car I paid for listening to cds I bought. I came home and played on drums I paid for also. The tv... a gift. The bed... borrowed from a friend. The shirt.... free. The pants.... stole from my dad. I look around at all the stuff that's mine, and I can honestly say that it is all MINE. I am the original DIY. I am everything you write songs about. And so much more. I'm giving this trophy to myself. From myself.

This month:

I bought a car
I started an acoustic project with a good friend (be on the lookout, its fucking rad and we're writing/recording tons of shit)
I started a new hardcore band with Mario, Luis, and Dewey (once again, be on the lookout, we're takin it back to 2006 in the name of lyrics and music that mean something instead of flannels, black slim fits, trucker hats with "suicidal" written on the bill, and maroon vans with holes in them. Sk8 0r di3. Oh yeah and FUCK all the rich ass sac area kids who play dress up and go to DIY shows and play in and groupie and fuck dudes in DIY bands when they're really just ashamed of their own wealth and trying to fit in)
I made sentences with long parentheses sections
I started a jam band with a bunch of good friends. We play everything. Its insane.
I spent many nights awake til 4am.
I drank a lot of nyquil.
I started playing baseball again. Me and this wild mexican dude Javy I've known since I was like 3 ran into each other at the gas station and we've been playing every other day since.
I've cut out friends.
I've cut out un-necessary people.
I've lied. Typical.
I drank a whole bottle of southern comfort and watched big fish. Ironic?
I went sober. Yes. For good, more than likely. Straight edge?
I've made contact with old friends from the golden days.
In april, I'm flying to denver for seans birthday and we're driving back. Its going to be a good time.
I've started stealing from retail places again. Low scale. Petty cash and merch for personal wear. Once again... typical.
I did not have one romantic interest all of february. Wild.
I drank a lot of coffee at mels. 2$. Unlimited refills. Can't go wrong.
I was a good friend and shoulder for somebody on more than one occasion.
I played jazz.
I had two job interviews.
I worked a lot.



Can't stop. Won't stop. Can't slow down. Won't slow down. That spot on mount everest is mine.


See you at the top.