I don't have a very good long term memory. I don't remember most instances from my childhood, up until around age fifteen. But I always remember the settings and situation...
I was an unexpected child, I presume. I say this because at a very young age, I recall being crammed in Los Angeles with my mother, father, and newborn sister in a very bad part of town. My dad worked two jobs, loading moving trucks during the day, and delivering pizzas for Dominos at night. My mom cared for myself and my sister all day. When we went out, we usually made short trips to the grocery store, post office, gas station, or any other dutiful errands that nobody likes to do. We never had weekends picnics in the park, or went bowling, or even rarely saw movies. In that studio was security. And my parents defended it and did their best to afford it. Country Crock butter tubs became reusable bowls, and sometimes, paper towels doubled as plates. It was rough, but it worked.
Now, fifteen years later, we live in a relatively ordinary looking house in Creekside. The outside is plain and indistinguishable, but on the inside, its a happy delusion of a faraway place in a nice neighborhood. My sanctuary. It was built from grass roots on the inside, to always give myself and my siblings safety and security. Over the years, my neighborhood turned to shit. I never wanted to be home, because, as an adolescent, there is so much more excitement in the unknown. Why not explore?
Its absolutely heartbreaking to see my brother walk down the same paths I did. And start to make the same mistakes I did. And no matter how hard I shake him, or loudly I yell at him, know in my heart that my words mean nothing without his will to perservere. He's fourteen... fresh meat for the wolves to feed on.
Building heaven on earth is one thing, but keeping the angels at home in the clouds playing their harps is another. Who needs heaven when you don't know what hell is yet?
Today, my brother and one of his friends got jumped by some scraps at a park. My brother doesn't even like red. He doesn't even know what XIV or norte even means. But now, he's going to ask around and find out... and he's going to align himself with whoever picks him up on his feet again. And I wonder who that will be.
