another weekend..

so friday I did nothing EXCEPT that I got to drive from 2am to about 4am. jake had some thoughts he needed to get out and at the same time, needed to get his mind off shit so I was at the helm commanding theeeeeee ol vw around vacaville listening to lots of metal. it was nice. saturday, I woke up and played call of duty...all fucking day til around 8 when jake got off. at hq, me jake justin james and some girl dyana who was 26 years old kicked it. me and jake drank 1 1/2 handles of captain morgan to ourselves that night. jake had sex with aforementioned girl. which I'm glad of because she wouldn't shut the fuck up and stop talking to me like I wanted her to, so I was forced to be an outright dick to her so shed leave me alone. she was raised christian and unfortunately is still brainwashed so I chose that as my rant fuel. I got her to "not want to talk about it anymore" within 10 minutes. I rule. I don't try to spread atheism or agnosticism, I try to spread open mindedness... which apparently, she isn't into. she seemed so sheltered and naive for a 26 year old. almost like she was actually 17. anyways... I woke up around 11am sunday still drunk and saw two glasses of coke and rum on the table..... of course I finished them. then, I polished off poor james' mickeys 40 he had in the fridge. then jon chase and some mexican fool roll through hq and chill. then sam peasley comes through hq and picks me up and we make our way to danville? I was real real drunk. I guess it was some girls house party/show that sams band was playing. we get there and there's literally nobody there and its 2pm and I'm pickled drunk. I wind up covering my BLACK jeans in nacho beans and cheese and sauce which is awesome. I remember asking every idiot girl there to go buy me mint chip ice cream. I remember talking shit to the birthday girl about the lack of food. I remember gettin semi fun for sams band. his bandmates are chill too by the way. I remember playing with lil baby doggies more than I was socializing with people. I remember being a fucking dick to everybody there. and hitting on the mom. then, after sams band played, we bounced up back to vacaville. a general rav 4 consensus determined that, in fact, it was a good to make a "show boobs" sign and hang that bad boy out the window. after many middle fingers and hateful glances, some guy in a truck came through by showing us his h kit complete with a hypodermic needle for injecting heroin. that was pretty gnarly. we get back in town and go play baseball at arlington. I get into it at first, then I sobered up around 6 and hated my life from then on. I was being realllllll mean to every girl there because I hate girls. then we went back to hq where call of duty 4 was in full effect... along with some girl I had sex with RANDOMLY showing up and hangin out? a trek to the liquor store proved to be worthwhile... another 5th of captain morgan to add to the half handle we had. me and jake proceeded to drink all of it. jake had 2 glasses because he was on that other stuff too. I had 5 at last count... and I make very strong drinks, if you know me. then me and jake decided to walk to safeway for food. we get pretzels (which are sitting next to me) and we walk out toward hq when we swipe a target cart and start pushing it. jake thinks itd be an amazing idea to strip down to boxers and walk home to hq wearing nothing but boxers, eating pretzels, pushing a shopping cart filled with our belongings. we get about halfway when a cop rolls up on us. bam. drunk in public. they make me put on the ol jeans, jakes too busy being a trainwreck drunk so he gets taken to jail. I hold my liquor like a champ (I lied and told him I only took 5 shots) so the cops let me go on the condition my mom picks me up. mom gets there and laughs at me for walking around in my underwear at 430am.


and now I'm in bed about to sleep.

I think

I'm gonna start writing everyday human experiences in here rather than deep outooks and ideas. I live a relatively wild life and I want to be able to read this thing when I'm older and know what I did. so I can feel young again when I'm repressed. so from now on... experiences with the occasional injection of depth and rant.

when you're lying awake at night

anxiety makes it harder for me to sleep at night nowadays. I have no idea what I'm even anxious of... I have no trials or tribulations to face anytime soon. couple my anxiety with me drinking WAY less often, and my eyes might as well stay open. I know some of you don't like hearing about me and my drinking habit because it sounds pathetic and probably cheapens your view on me, but I really don't care... because for the better or the worse, it is part of me... no matter how ugly and heinous it is. I stand for everything the world sweeps under a rug. that being said... its safe to say that my drinking binge starting on january 21st is successfully over. as of about a week ago. during that tenure, the longest I was sober was 24 hours at a time. and now, my willpower for school has taken over and I only drink on weekends IF I WANT TO. I'm not an alchoholic, I never was. anybody who habitually drinks a lot isn't an alchoholic. I've seen alchoholism. I've been close. if you don't wake up after a 2 hour booze nap at 7am and start SHAKING due to lack of alchohol, you're not an alchoholic. if you don't puke when you're sober, you're not an alchoholic. if you don't get fucking MIGRAINES due to alchohol deficiency, you're not an alchoholic. it sickens me when people I know or my peers claim they're alchoholics. like its something to be proud of. its a disease.. a psychosomatic psychological disorder. you subconsciously convince yourself of the need for alchohol until it becomes so routine that normal is a stretch... since its in the subconscious, you don't go around claiming that shit like its a fucking medal. show some respect for the hell that people suffer and don't degrade it with your 18 year old trendy presence. if its wishful thinking on your behalf, I feel pity for you. to want to be in that category of humans so degraded and jaded by the world that they HAVE to turn to substance. now I'm jaded... and I'm degraded... but I'm not weak enough or dumb enough to turn to inanimate objects out of necessity. I have my thoughts. I have my writing. I have my friends whom I love. I have my family. I'm selfless and alchoholism is a selfish mans disease. caused by being selfish. nursed through selfish acts. sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world left with any conscious thought. unbiased, conscious thought. I see the world on a level playing field and it seems as though I'm the only one calling the right game.


OPEN YOUR EYES.

night prowler.

You don't know me but you'd like to
Why'd you think I stood beside you?
Not concerned with how this might fall
Nature become prowl at nightfall

When the sun begins to dim
And eventually the day dies
And the mood prepares to sway
That's where another way lies
Glow of the liquor store lights
Set the scene for no rights
Let's convene, discuss the scheme
And hope it flows how we dream
Tonight can make or break you if you let it
Someone set it out for you to let it out
Now don't regret it
Get embedded to the back drop
Positioned there with your cash crop
Envision night as the last stop
Don't miss the train
It's time to gain, strain, aim, fire
Blame, reign, fuck and then retire
I'm liar past eleven, after one I'm on the run
Till the sun comes up tomorrow
I'm working, you're having fun
Not too devious, but that's me
Spontaneous if you ask me
But then again, I'm blending in.

Step to the beat, walk to the beat
Talk to the beat, live to the beat
Rock to the beat, fuck to the beat
Dance to the beat, pay to the beat
Fight to the beat, you get l-l-lost to the beat
Police walk the beat, kill to the beat
Steel to the heat, terrorize kill no retreat
Prowl to the beat, how did a V-O weak scandal oh spray vandal
Walk the streets I hear footsteps on the streets
Someone's following me on the streets
Like racism on the streets
Can't even have a new car on the streets
Police prowl on the streets
They got you sittin' on the streets
Runnin' ya L's, what in the hell?
Runnin' on tell, they see a black man they get scared as hell
Like did somebody escape from jail
You feel em' prowlin' when you walkin'
Some rooms when you walk in like boom
I wanna just break shit, I wanna re-create shit
I wanna take shit you say and use it against you
Act a damn fool like crackheads do
Like your mama do

You don't know me but you'd like to
Why'd you think I stood beside you?
Not concerned with how this might fall
Nature become prowl at nightfall

Dusk, thus the beginning is on until dawn
Trust regardless of the daily
Really nothings wrong
I'm still breathin' and here's another evening
From the fortress
I leave for my course of tonight's achievements
There's no grievance in my pocket
Just a couple of dollars, a pen and hopefully my wallet
Because my man over here has got the hook up at the front door
Long as my ID's right what more could they want for?
Yeah we in there
Like fluoride, off the wall on the left side
A room full of pride, I'm consumed by the tune applied
This fuckin' DJ is tight man
I can already feel the minutes being added to my life span
MC Lyte paper thin drink tickets from the staff
Now it's time to make a friend and see if I can make her laugh
Hey princess, I got a lot of dialog
So I'm gonna line it up for you to get high and try to follow
Light up another false sense of security
Play a game of twenty questions
You can test my purity
And as the world comes down on me
And as I go down on her… night prowler

I'm out when the freaks come out
Way after dusk
After the time when the opening acts get they time to bust
The nightshift I prowl and observe like the owl
Surroundings minus the scowl
Wise and well endowed
In the mental! Well renowned
Ghetto pass every town
PSC! Nice 2 meet you, oh you know about this wow!
Your ex-boyfriend showed you all about this how?
Can I thank him for training such a beauty
It fits my style
Compliments exchanged
Plus 5 dollars change
Signed my name on the poster
And I kept it in the holster like I'm supposed ta
Now, what would you do in the clutch
If you get a pussy hug after dusk?

You don't know me but you'd like to
Why'd you think I stood beside you?
Not concerned with how this might fall
Nature become prowl at nightfall

four hundred thousand more to die.

angel of death.
marr to the kingdom of the dead.
sadistic butcher.
angel of death.

decay.

evans awoke in a violent stupor. high noon arrived, and so did the searing burn and choking heat that accompanied it. time to stand up. looks like a good day to suffer. backtracking, he started at the eyelids then found himself at his cerebellum. dreams ten thousand years long flooded his cerebrum in an instant. the night was a let down. going through the cerebral archive, evans put the movie deteriorating his mind on pause. it was an old man. but not old in age. the wrinkles.... they stared at him. beckoning. wanting to be noticed. acknowledged. needing an audience to tell tales older than the wrinkles themselves. older than the author. tales of pain. anguish. jade. evans saw this man in his head... along with the canyons that were wrinkles. eyes and expression are useless when you're a walking wrinkle. a bad example with no soul. a harsh display of reality to the rest of the world. evans saw his face on this old man. he felt HIS face for wrinkles.

william evans looked at the barstool he was sitting on with contempt and dismay. he stared at it for a long time. really, the barstool was sitting on him. the tumbler of jack daniels was drinking him. the barkeep was keeping him. the bar was barring him. all built on the wrinkles of others. he looked at all of this....

then he finished the tumbler and ordered another.

its 730 am.

in public school, I'd be driving to school by now.


not much legal or licit has taken place tonight.