gift box of curses.

today I found myself knee deep in recurrant thought. I accomplished absolutely nothing today, besides pummeling my psyche into submission with notions that only led me awry over and over again. the best thing to do when you can't stop thinking is savor the thought with some nice outdoor alone time, I "borrowed" jakes longboard and essentially just rode around town for an hour or two... trying to get the machine that is my head up and running again. oiling gears. priming pumps. I come home from doing whatever it is that I do for the first time in 3 days. I go upstairs. I take off my clothes and lay in bed. I realize after a minute that my legs are on top of a rectangular cardboard box. I open the box. in it, are a few hundred or so papers. flyers. newspaper articles. ribbons. report cards. pamphlets. brochures. certificates. police citations. essentially, an official outline of my life, permanently documented in sequential order from my baptism in 1989 til my last official etch in history... high school graduation. but the key element in this time machine package is the photograph I'm looking at right now. of my 6th grade class at sierra vista elementary school. the faces are all smiling. the innocence still apparent. these are people seldom thought of. I see 6 meth addicts, 5 mothers, 4 people who are no longer living, a nun, a girl with aids, and the rest are uninteresting losers such as myself. there isn't one person in this picture who is a veritable success in normal society. we were really just built up to only be torn down. kind of sets you back at square one... because although I speak to literally none of these faces, I know that if I were to show this same picture to any of them, they'd feel the exact sentiment as me. and it would make their heart ache and yearn because of the bliss. I guess you can only look back at your past and what you once were and what the world once was and smile. say cheers, raise the glass tall, and carry on.

fix you.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

the first 48.

the last 48 hours have been wild. all I'm gonna say.

heaven on earth.

not sober.

but still celibate.


matt came back to vacaville for the day today. he lives in italy now so that was pretty wild. there was definitely a few elton john singalongs which I proceeded to hack, but many a slayer singalong which I proceeded to ace.

pins and needles.

one thousand open ears and still not a word to say.

the candle burned out long before the legend ever did...

ill live forever in this cell.
scream through these bars.
resonate treble and bass off cheap concrete and plaster..
the oppression of thousands will be freed in one vibrating vocalization.
every man.. free.
every woman... free.
black. asian. mexican.
the world will see everybody as grey.
all eyes will be equal.
all votes count for one.
the scream will wake the millions of dead who suffered years of beaurocracy and loopholes.
and you won't be there.