January Fourth, Two-Thousand and Nine.

:)


Looks like calm seas and a clear forecast.

January Second, Two-Thousand and Nine.

I logged onto my old desktop on my old computer and stumbled upon a lot of music I used to be really into. I listened again to make sure I wasn't just an impressionable 15 year old when I listened to it a lot. For some, they suck. But some are really really good and I appreciate the albums more now than I did then. I really can't stop listening to Between The Buried And Me's "The Silent Circus" album because it is so good and so far ahead of its time, even by today's standards. Other honorable mentions are Killing The Dream's self titled first album and Full Blown Chaos' "Wake The Demons" album. If you have no idea what I'm talking about and are curious as to try to see what I see in music, pick these albums up somewhere.

Quality of Life.

Is different than Quantity of Life.

So this is the new year?

And I don't feel any different.

Lightness.

I don't think it would be in my best interests to get a car anymore. Gas prices are on the rise, and it is a very strong possibility that I'll be moving far away again soon. Plus, the required maintenance and upkeep costs aren't something I really want to take on right now. Last night, I drank some top of the line wine with two people who I haven't seen in a very long time. One of whom I hurt pretty badly last time I saw them or talked to them. It was a really good time all-around, even though some parts of conversation got more and more awkward as she drank more and more wine. We're all doing well, she just got her bachelor's degree from UC Davis and is going to Europe to live for awhile. My other friend Brittany is making good money working at the hospital. She said I could get a job there as receptionist, but I don't know how I feel about that one. Her mom LOVES me and I LOVE her too, so it was a good reunion all-around, complete with Portuguese wine and elitism. In other stages... Jeremy and Sean are coming in from Denver in a few weeks. Its going to be insanity. I think I'm catching a plane out of SFO to somewhere fun and wild with them. Free flights rule. Then, when they head back home, I'm catching a flight to Colorado Springs from SFO to hang out there for a few days. Its a pretty strong possibility that I will be moving back there into a four bedroom house with friends to live a far more fulfilling life working at the airline and seeing the world for free. Its all on my hit list... Russia. Australia. Paris. Costa Rica. I want to do it all. The terrible quality of life and substance that I find in Vacaville, CA nowadays saddens me. The best way to cut out the negative is to cut out everything and do things my way in a different setting with different advantages and disadvantages to my life. Yes, it will be sad to not be able to see familiar faces at the grocery store, or share memories of being fourteen and throwing water balloons at cars from cooper school, but I've thoroughly assessed both sides of the situation and decided that progression ascends this city's walls. How long can I work for one employer before I peak as assistant manager and 13.00$ an hour? I choose life. And life doesn't exist here, or in my current situation. Life thrives where are things to be lived. And I firmly believe that Vacaville is not that place. I will miss people, no doubt. But if you don't leave the crib, how are you ever gonna walk? When I lived away from home the last time, I was walking tall. I came back crawling. After lots of physical therapy, I'm ready and more than anxious to walk again. With confidence.


Its not me, Vacaville... It's you. We're great, you and I. We contradict each other's very existence, making us an opposing couple. The standoff moments keep the bystanders riveted, but I just don't think we're right for each other. We're going in two different directions, with you going nowhere at all. Don't take it personally. Maybe forty years down the road, I'll come back to you and the cold walls that enclose me here now will turn warm and I will take my children to the same community pool that I went to as a kid. But not now. Its too soon. You're too old and I have too much ambition. Don't cry... I'll always be here for you.

Smiles and Cries.

Tonight, my mom picked me up from work, instead of me finding a random ride home like I usually do, and I actually TALKED to her for the first time in a long long time. It was bittersweet. She alluded to the fact that she knows somewhat the extent of the hellacious life I have lived thus far, even though she still hasn't even gotten beneath the water level of the iceberg. I apologized for being such a cold, heartless, careless person during the months of February until September, and that if I had the chance, I would erase that time span and apply a fresh coat of satin white paint over it. I hear it from people all the time, but having your own mother tell you that she has to remind herself that I am only twenty is a very humbling, sad thing to hear. I'm not her little baby anymore, and whats worse: she's already accepted it. I accepted it at sixteen and have been essentially independent in most ways since. But until recently, I realized that material independence is nowhere near comparable in substance to gradual maturation independence. I ostracized myself from my family at sixteen. No gradual distancing. Thats why I am SO good at doing it to the seemingly inconsequential people now in my life. Not proud of it, but my actions and state of mind became the fiber of my being, and with that fiber, the person who types these words today was woven. I would give absolutely anything and everything back to redo years 14-19. I hurt lots of people in that time. I guess I can only type my sympathies and haunt myself in thought for years to come, and slowly, gradually, smile and cry at my own reflection.

It has been some time....

Since I've been this happy with my life.








The whole world is smiling at me, and I can't help but to smile back.